THIS ROAD I'M ON

And then THIS all happened...

2011-06-21T10:28:00.005-04:00

Where to begin, OH where to begin. This has been, without a doubt, THE most incredible month of my life to date. Which is not entirely surprising when you put it into context and realize that all of the changes I've made in life are working with me to create a better and better and better environment to thrive and flourish in. And thrive and flourish I have. And, for some reason, I actually feel like blogging it out - and so I AM!

So... where do I begin? Perhaps I will go backward starting from today... Today, I woke up in my own room which I wasn't sharing with anyone either 2 or 11 years old. You'll understand why that was novel in a minute. I also spent the last twenty minutes adding puppy-related things to my Amazon wishlist because, after months of waiting, the breeder of my favorite dog-of-client let me know that a new litter was born and my baby boy Havanese puppy is going to be mine come late August. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I am THRILLED!

But, where was I before shopping for puppy toys... Oh yes... I got back last night from an incredible trip to California. Got to spend time with my west coast loved ones (some of them, it was only a 48 hr trip for goodness sakes!) after spending a thrilling two days at Disney with family-of-choice-the-UK-edition! Those of you who know me well - or have seen me in high buildings/mountain settings- know that I am a woos. A wimp of the highest degree. But that was then, and this is now. And NOW, I am a person who rides rides. Ok, sure, I screamed like a little girl on some rides - especially the Tower of Terror (which was clearly designed by an insane person) but I rode the rides. I rode them all. Some twice in a row. I felt the exhilaration that other people feel and I totally "got it". I overcame fears and was able to enjoy the moment - something that has become a bit of a mantra for me right now. To be present. IN the moment. Feeling the feelings.

Before I dashed off to Disney, I spent a few blissful days with the family-of-birth-Ohio-edition in NYC. We hit up the natural history museum, the met, central park, 16 handles (a new stop on the tour) and had an incredible time. My nephews continue to astound and astonish me with their dynamic personalities, their interests, their intellect, their energy. They're amazing. My niece doesn't do much yet, but when she does, I know it's going to be spectacular. It was also tremendous getting to spend so much time with my mom, my brother and SIL. They make me happy. Truly.

All the family togetherness was born from an epic event. The wedding of the century. Or at least of the decade! That's right, folks, my little sister got married! Those of you reading this on facebook already know because undoubtedly, your news feeds have been filled to the brim with photos of seersucker clad wedding party guests, but for those of you out of the loop, let me tell you. It is novel to be at a wedding that feels so uniquely like the people getting married. This wedding reflected S & H perfectly. Their relaxed attitude, their sense of humor, their creativity. They made everyone feel welcome and comfortable and there were none of the usual wedding trappings - just the traditions that needed to be upheld. I've never been so proud of my sister - seeing her take this final step into adulthood was dramatic, satisfying, and delightful. Walking her down the aisle with my brother was both bittersweet and uplifting, but delivering to H, a guy who has grown so much in the past 8 years and who so clearly loves and supports her - was tremendous! I got to share the day with some of the most amazing friends, family-of-choice-and-birth, and all around kick ass people. Love was felt, shared and passed along by all. And now, we can all finally talk about something else :)

Before the wedding, I was a ball of nerves and anxieties (mostly due to family politics) but I didn't really have time to pay them any mind because May was, by far, the busiest month of my professional and volunteer life. If I wasn't running between client's homes saving the day, I was at the theatre educating the masses about ballet. I got to go to a fancy shmancy gala with my BFF, and to spend countless nights living it up with "ballet club", all while having the largest earning month in my LIFE! I saw friends, took walks, and naps (YAY napping!), and more walks and read books and spent time with my trainer at the gym, and all sorts of good things!

And then there's that other thing that's been going on. The one that I've hinted at, suggested about, etc. There's a man. In my life. He's been around for two months now. And it's good. It's really good. And that's all I want to say for now - don't want to jinx it.... Except to say that having a real, true, honest, adult relationship has been incredibly eye opening for me. I've been dealing with my issues of trust and abandonment (hello, child of divorce!) and have been trying to find ways to make sure I live in the moment. As I learned one night with OTM and DSG, thanks to the TOS crew... It is NOW. I am HERE. THIS is real. And it's true. I am living in the now. No longer afraid of my past. Open to the future. And what a bright bright future it seems to be...

My Man.

2011-05-17T21:37:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I cried while watching "Glee". But not for any obvious reasons.

I cried because Lea Michele sang the crap out of "My Man" from "Funny Girl". But not for any obvious reasons.

I cried because it reminded me of my grandfather. Pop pop. Louis. Lou.

You see, during the very short time between his life and his death, I spent an incredibly hard/moving/intense amount of time with Pop. In fact, it was me and my uncle Bobby who found Pop after a fall and stroke - which wound him in the hospital where he declined alarmingly fast - and was checked out 24 hours later to go home and die with dignity.

On his last day on earth, Bobby and I found ourselves with him again in is bedroom - where I had played as a kid in his electric beds that would raise and lower with the push of a button. The beds in the apartment with the candy jar full of Andes mints and Nips coffee flavored hard candies. The tiny slot machine. The decks of cards I learned to play poker and blackjack on. The bottles of VO. The 1970s couches.

That day, while back in our trio in the bedroom, Bobby and I quickly realized that Pop wasn't really with us anymore. He was disoriented, confused - he thought at one moment that Bobby, his son, was one of his brothers. That I, his granddaughter, was his sister. He kept calling out for things and people who weren't on earth anymore. He was confused. He was scared. And it was terrifying to be around.

In a moment of sheer desperation born from a deep desire to settle his soul and calm him down, I opened my mouth and started to sing. To distract him, to help him find some peace. Pop had always loved hearing me sing. And sure enough... it worked. I sang "My Man" from "Funny Girl". At the top of my voice. With tears rolling down my cheeks. And he calmed down. He quieted. Bobby and I crying through it, knowing those would be some of our last moments with Pop. With Pop alive.

A few hours later, Pop was dead.

Things have been incredibly tense with that side of my family the past few months and it's been absolutely horrible and gut wrenching to go through. Hearts are heavy, relationships are seemingly irreparably damaged. Our family has lost its center, its heart, its purpose- and I can't help thinking that if Pop were still here, he'd demand that everyone act like grownups and behave appropriately - with Luck and with Love.

Every single day, I think of my grandfather. I think of his quirks and mannerisms. The way he insisted on tipping waiters before dinner was served - sometimes before he even sat down. How he would preach his revisionist history - he'd never been sick a day in his life and he and my grandmother had a "perfect" relationship (they did not!). How he would always tell me I was "looking good, kid" (even when I wasn't!). How he loved me, warts and all, and looked for the good in me when many people couldn't see it. I think of how he would sign all of his cards and end all of his conversations with his catchphrase of "Luck and Love". His handwriting is in my skin, literally, I have his Luck and Love tattooed on my body. With me always.

I miss you, Pop. I miss you terribly and I wish you were here to make this all better. But I know that's not possible, so tonight, with tears rolling down my cheeks again, I dedicate this to you - to your memory - to your spirit - to your heart. And I promise to you that I will continue to spread Luck & Love to everyone I know.

DVR Diet Update!

2011-04-23T16:37:00.002-04:00

I've done it. I've really unplugged.

The reality shows are truly gone and the only reality that matters now is mine.

Since I've "unplugged" I've finished another three books, which is kind of amazing given how much time I've spent socializing the past two weeks.

I haven't become some sort of anti-TV crazy, though...I've still enjoyed the few shows I watch and have actually WATCHED them instead of just listening to them in the background as I work.

Speaking of work... I've actually worked at my desk and not on the couch one day - a huge accomplishment.

So I'm thrilled to have made this adjustment to my life and highly recommend it to all of you!

Onward and upward!

DVR Diet

2011-04-04T20:27:00.002-04:00

To some, the DVR is a marvelous invention. And I was one of those "some".

But recently, this past weekend to be exact, I realized that the DVR has gone from being a pleasure to a pain.

Somewhere over the past few years, I went from appreciating the convenience of having my favorite TV shows recorded automatically for me, to feeling a tremendous pressure to watch the ever-growing list of shows that awaited me - ESPECIALLY after busy weeks and/or vacations away from home.

I began to stress out before leaving for my recent vacation that I wouldn't have enough room to record all my tv shows. Which got me thinking....

WHY DO I WATCH THESE SHOWS?!?!?!

There are truly only about a dozen shows that I sit and watch with true attention. With the laptop closed, the iPhone away. And THOSE are really the only shows I should be recording.

And so, this evening, I went on a DVR diet.

Goodbye Real Housewives... Goodbye wedding themed shows that leave me angry anyways.... Goodbye "Reality"... Goodbye shark-jumping comedies and dramas that don't bring me joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I went from having over 70 *yes, you read that correctly* shows on my series manager to a much more wonderful and tolerable 18 (several of which - Mad Men, The Big C, True Blood are seasonal and not even airing anytime soon).

This will leave me more time for reading, writing, socializing, exercising and BLOGGING!

Enough time spending watching other people live their lives - time to spend more time living MINE.

Long Overdue Update

2011-03-06T10:20:00.002-05:00

Oh man. I think I kind of forgot I have a blog. Twitter and Facebook have basically all but replaced my blogging tendencies over the past few months and, frankly, I've been so preoccupied living life that I haven't really had a moment to sit down and share life with you all (unless I'm actually sharing life with you in the "real" world - in which case, THANK YOU!).

Where do I begin... Two entire months have gone by since the last blog entry and so much has happened, but so little has changed. Biz is good. Weight loss continues (slowly but steadily), still not dating and still not completely settled on a new place to live/work. But even without monumental change from the outsider perspective (or just the structural reality of my life) there has been nothing BUT change internally.

I am finally feeling all of my feelings. Not running away. Not avoiding. Feeling the good, the bad and the in between. Trying to face my fears and overcome obstacles. Taking care of myself and, as a result, having an easier time taking care of those I love. Being social, being outlandish, being true.

And, it's been amazing.

I am more optimistic and excited about my future than I have ever been. I am no longer living with concern for what might be or what isn't. Instead, I am grateful - beyond words - for what I DO have. I have my family of birth and my family of choice (goddaughters, etc.). I have my health. I have my friends- SO many amazing friends. I have New York. I have the arts. I have sunshine and rain. I have laughter. I have anxiety. I have it all. And I have the good fortune of knowing that the future will be what it will be and I can't live in fear of the unknown.

I am the luckiest.

New Year's Eve - A Wrap Up

2011-01-01T16:13:00.002-05:00

Last night, I threw a party and lots of people came! And today I am reflecting back on the party. I learned some new things about myself and the people I love and realized some old things once more. Here's a sampling....

I worry a lot before a party. I worry no one will come. I worry everyone will come.

This worry is completely absurd. People will come if they come and they won't if they won't and they'll eat what they're served and they'll enjoy it!

I have amazing friends. From the oldest (31 years of friendship) to the newest (just met that night!) - they are dynamic, charismatic, generous, loving, hilarious people and I am blessed to have them in my life.

Apple cider with Rum is a very successful party drink. 1.5 cups of rum per 1/2 gallon of cider - warm the cider with a bunch of cinnamon sticks and then mix in the rum. Easy and delicious.

Dressing up is fun and I should do it more often. Dressing up is funnest when I don't have to wear high heels. Barefoot is key!

Even if you have a piano, there's no guarantee anyone will play it - but having a friend who can play Auld Lang Syne at midnight is clutch!

Blintzes are a delicious cheesecake alternative.

Did I mention how amazing my friends are? They are.

When you don't eat very much - and rarely drink - chances are you'll get super drunk from just two glasses of wine and one glass of champagne. Especially if your adrenaline is flowing and if you're many many pounds lighter than you used to be.

A two hour workout before throwing a party is excessive, but it makes the recovery day after the party that much more sweet!

My mother is an amazing woman. Hugely helpful and hilariously critical.

There's nothing embarrassing about friends seeing signed memorabilia from a Bway show they were in. Ok, maybe a little bit...

A doll case (yes, my family home still includes a glass door doll cabinet) can turn into a game of "Name that Doll".

Even when intoxicated, I command a tight ship - you should've seen how clean the apartment was in the morning. I have no idea how it got done, but I'm pretty sure it was a result of my bossing around my amazing friends.

When I really think about where my life was three, five, ten years ago and look at it now, I am truly amazed. So many of my dreams have come true. I am healthy, happy, loved and loving. I am doing what I want to be doing on my own terms. I am surrounded by intelligent, talented, loving people. I have a family that means the world to me. I am living my dreams... that must mean it's time to dream bigger!!! Onwards!

The Most AmazingThing Of All...

2010-12-29T20:18:00.005-05:00

I woke up this morning, and I realized the most amazing thing of all...

For the first time in my 31 years, I am NOT resolving to lose weight this year. That's kind of an amazing thing. For 31 years, my obsessing over food has been the most prominent, and most recurring thought in my life. I began and ended every day obsessing about it and fell into terrible habits that I have finally realized and am starting to break.

This year, I don't have to swear off things - unlike three years ago (can you believe it's been THREE YEARS!) when I left my job and gave up caffeine AND nicotine and a lifestyle that was slowly killing me. I started caring about my life, my happiness and my health AND started exercising.

THIS year, I don't have to give up anything new. And that's the most amazing thing of all.

When this year ends, and the next year begins, I simply have to continue doing what I've been doing since August and since that amazing day three years ago when I began to take my life and my happiness back.

In 2011...

I will continue to live a healthy and full life.
Focused on my sanity and my serenity.

I will continue to give to others.
To my friends, my family, my clients, my universe.

I will continue to care about my health.
My body, my mind, my soul.

I will continue to remember what's most important in life.
Surrounded by love, laughter, music, theatre, dance and art.

I will continue to invest myself in my business.
Careful to maintain a boundary while expanding a growing biz.

I will continue to love.
Opening myself up again to the concepts of dating and romance.

I will continue to live in the NOW.
Stepping away from fear of the future and fear of the unknown.

2010, it's been an absolute roller coaster of a ride. A slip back into sadness followed by the most important realization of my life and steps toward recovery.
I thank you for all the challenges set in front of me, and all of the opportunities to change my life for the better.

2011, I am looking forward to continuing this journey in you. More happiness. More health. More sanity. More serenity. More LOVE.

Wishing everyone in my life, and everyone in the world, the happiest New Year EVER!

Stress

2010-12-23T18:53:00.002-05:00

I handle stress extremely well. It's how I've managed to be a kickass stage manager, and a successful business woman in New York City. It's how I've taken care of small children and traveled extensively on my own.

The thing is, those are all stresses I thrive on. So I capitalize on the stress and take ownership of it.

The past few weeks, I have encountered a stress I've never experienced before. The stress of real estate in New York City.

You see, I'm looking for a new office space (and a part-time place to lay my head), and it's been a roller coaster. With no safety-belt.

First, you see the place. Then you find that it's not going to happen. But there are forty five million steps in between. The backpedaling, the mind-changing. The instability of it all. But that's the reality of this entire ordeal, apparently.

So, I am taking a little break until the beginning of 2011 from looking for this hard-to-find space, and taking some extremely deep breaths.

Turns out, I'm not so good at handling ALL stresses, just the ones whose outcome I have some control over.

I hate admitting it, but I do every single day of my life, that I really must accept the things I can not change.

Fourteen Years and Counting...

2010-11-16T05:21:00.001-05:00

Most of you know where I was 14 years ago. I was in the back of a car, heading to Four Winds Hospital to receive treatment for drug addiction. I was 17 1/2 years old. Cocky. Arrogant. Terrified. Clueless. Angry. Hurt.

Each year, on this day, I have done something to commemorate the day. Early on, I would go out with my mother and sister and reflect. We would take out the bank statements that were the final clue my parents needed to realize the depths of my addiction. The first anniversary of my hospitalization I got two tattoos, the Chinese symbols for "Serenity" and "Success". Then, on the tenth anniversary, I had those tattoos expanded. One year, my sister made me a T-Shirt. Another year, a hat (what can I say, she's crafty!). For several years, I wrote extensive emails thanking all of the amazing people who helped me along the way - always being careful to mention the people who had to live with me through it, and the people who had the courage, nay, chutzpah, to push me in the right direction. This year, again, I thank the two who at 17 had the clarity to turn me in and to help me out.

Thank you Malka. Thank you Kerry. I don't have enough words to express how deep my love and gratitude runs.

The past two years, I have blogged about the experience, and they mean more to me than any other blog entries. You can read them, if you'd like, I know I will. They're HERE (http://allwillknow.blogspot.com/2009/11/13-years-later-november-16-bat-mitzvah.html) and HERE (http://allwillknow.blogspot.com/2008/11/twelve-years.html)

Most years, I jumped with joy for my success. But this year, I feel profoundly different. Still proud, happy, relieved, and all the other emotions, but on a slighter scale, because I'm in such a different place this year than any year before.

This year, instead of being wildly self congratulatory, I am humbled. Humbled by the disease of addiction. A disease that can take on so many forms, in the lives of so many. A disease that I still struggle with, albeit no longer with drugs, and a disease whose true power I am only just beginning to understand.

I am truly grateful for everyone who stood by me then and who stand by me now. Most importantly, my family and my friends. I hope, one day, to be in recovery from ALL forms of addiction (food, shopping, stress, drugs, you name it!) but until then, I will continue to work on myself.

I will work to be the best person I can be.
The best friend.
The best sister.
The best daughter.
The best godmother.
The best volunteer.
The best everything!
The best ME I know how to be.

Because that's really all I can do now, be grateful, be thankful and be ME.

Sending all of you love on this, the 14th year of my survival, and the 103rd day, and the 10th month, and the first minute because really, every day is a small step in the road of recovery and I am blessed to have had so many steps add up to 14 years.

As one of my favorite people ever would say... I wish you all LUCK & LOVE.

Dear October...

2010-10-31T19:52:00.003-04:00

Dear October,

Well, it's been QUITE a ride, hasn't it? I thought, at times, that I wouldn't make it through you, that the stress was getting to be too much, and then... then.... I MADE IT!

You have been a supremely challenging month - and, if memory serves, you often are. Last year, it was surgery. The year before that, a big move uptown. The year before THAT, I made one of the most important decisions of my life and decided to leave the job that was making me depressed and miserable.

You always test my patience, October, and - for the past 30 or so years - I've always ended my rough ride with you with a mouthful of candy. A bellyful, really.

But not THIS time, October...

Even though you threw a challenging new client at me, and some really crazy scenarios including actors stabbed through the calves, lost 6 carat rins, and demands from clients that have never been equaled, I didn't collapse - I faltered, sure, but I stayed on my feet. And I stayed on track. With the business, with my life, with my health and - most importantly with my happiness.

So tonight, I am not drowning in a pool of candy corn (harvest mix!) or baked goods, or sadness or loneliness. Because THIS time, October, I filled myself not with treats, but with love - love to combat the stress and love to keep me on track. I filled myself with time with my beloved sister and my family. Time with my friends, new and old. Time (albeit not as much as I'd have liked) with the goddaughters. Time volunteering. Time sharing my stories. Time with my favorite things: theatre, ballet, good books, good times, good laughs. And - in the end- you paid me back for all that work, October, you have been one of the most personally eye opening months every and THE most lucrative month of my life - and I am filled with appreciation for the opportunity to earn my living doing something I love to do.

So, October, thank you. Thanks for pushing my boundaries, for keeping me on my toes. Thanks for all the laughs. For the songs. For the hugs. For the tears. For the discomfort. For the joy. For the control. For the happiness. For the power to get through it all blissfully on track.

I will miss you, but I'll look forward to November with renewed enthusiasm because if it looks anything like the past few days - filled with love, friends, and opportunity - then I know I'm in for a major treat. Not only that, but I KNOW you'll bring me the chance to celebrate friends running 26.2 miles, birthdays of some of my besties, Snuggles with the nephews, Trips to the theatre/dance, Balloon wrangling in the T-day parade with my sweet sister, laughs, tears, bliss, and everything and anything else that comes my way. Because, if I can make it through you, October, I know I can make it through anything.

xoxoxoxoxo,

Sarah

Dear September...

2010-09-30T08:42:00.001-04:00

Dear September,

I wrote you a little note when the month began - telling you that we'd get along well - and you have NOT disappointed. And for that, and so much more, I am grateful... I'm sad to see you go, but I'm loving watching you walk away!

Thank you for being an amazing month in my life.

Thank you for all the time with my family, especially with Susie.

Thank you for all the laughs and fun with friends - in NYC, over dinners, in the Hamptons, over lunches, over brunches, during long walks in the park, over drinks, over the phone - hell, even on facebook. I am blessed to have so many loving, caring and supportive people in my life and I am grateful for every one of my friends - new and old.

Thank you for bringing my goddaughters back to NY and bringing ME back to THEM after a long summer apart.

Thank you for the books, the theatre, the ballet, the movies, the art, the music, and the parks that I got to enjoy.

Thank you for New York!

Thank you for my health: For my four meetings a week. For my willingness to try and change what I can and accept the things I can't change. For my new trainer, who is smart and motivating and lovely.

Thank you for the end to Shakespeare Foot's chronic pain and for letting me dance again!

Thank you for my 57 days!

Thank you for the 180 billable hours - the biggest earning month of my business's 2 and 1/2 year existence!

Thank you for my clients - old and new - for being so flexible and so demanding all at the same time.

Thank you for making every day unique, looking nothing like the one that came before or the ones that will follow!

Thank you for the rain and the sun, for the ever changing seasons, for reminding me why I love this time of year.

And thanks to all of you for making this one of the happiest, healthiest, fullest and most phenomenal months in my entire life!

Wow.

2010-09-20T20:03:00.002-04:00

My sister-in-law took back to her blog today after several months away to publicly announce that she's pregnant (YAY!) and that she's felt that blogging has been difficult for her and that she's had trouble finding the inspiration/drive she had before she was struck by morning-noon-and-night sickness with this new pregnancy.

While reading HER post I realized how much I've neglected MY blog. So, here I am, apologizing and explaining.

Here's where I've been:
At the gym - training three days a week/cardio seven days
At meetings - taking control of my life and my food
With clients - old and new. The business is booming and I'm almost at the end of my rope. A victim of my own success!
At NYCB - With the new fall season, and my uber-volunteer status in full effect, I've found myself at the theatre constantly.
Sleeping - I need it, for goodness sake!
With Family - Especially Susie and Mom. Checking in with them keeps me real and happy.
With a few friends - Not nearly as many as I'd like to see, but the quality is top notch with the few friends I've been able to spend time with.
On the couch - mainly trying to stay awake but basically falling asleep, not remembering what I've watched and rewinding and trying to watch it again.
Organizing - my life, my closets, my calendars.
Dreaming - about where I'm headed and what all this work is for.

Here's where I HAVEN'T been...
Eating long meals with many friends.
Snuggling with my goddaughters (this is of particular sadness to me- but my busy-ness is overwhelming my schedule).
Sitting around enjoying silence and quiet.
Blogging.
Reading for pleasure.
Seeing movies.
At the theatre (although that will start changing tomorrow night when I go back to non-ballet performances).

Did I mention blogging?

So, I'm here (barely) but I'm happy (hooray).

Pity Party for NONE!

2010-09-04T07:54:00.002-04:00

Monday evening. I'd been to the gym twice, spent most of the evening at a client's, and was in a raging calorie deficiency by the time I got home.

So, I decided to throw myself a pity party. It lasted for only two minutes before I realized I had NO reason to feel sorry for myself (except for the exhaustion!).

Here's the thing.... I've landed a new exciting client who lives mostly out of town. Turns out, the first time she's here was when I was supposed to be on my way to a four day vacation in LA visiting some of my best friends and favorite people. I felt sorry for myself because it became apparent to me that I had to cancel the trip. Which I did, begrudgingly, before falling asleep.

When I woke up (and had cured the exhaustion problem) I realized what an idiot I was being.

You see, I am the luckiest girl in the world...
I make the business.
I make the decisions.
Sure, it's overwhelming sometimes, but for the most part - it's bliss!
I can make my own schedule.
I determine my own hours.
I can pick and choose my clients.
I see the sun everyday.
I get to have a life where no one day looks like the next.
I take time to volunteer and spend precious moments with the godkids.
I get to see my friends and family when I want to.
All this, AND I get paid!

Pity Party OVER!

It's Getting Better All The Time!

2010-08-27T20:43:00.002-04:00

Love that Beatles song... I have to admit it's getting better, a little better all the time.

The truest words for the past two weeks of my life. Getting so much better all the time!

I am working on myself, from the inside out.
The business is booming, with a new amazing client on the horizon.
I have the most amazing friends in the world.
My family is supportive and loving.
I am feeling grounded in reality while maintaining optimism.

There is a tremendous amount of positivity coming my way, and I will meet it with a smile and an open heart.

More details when I feel ready to reveal my inner self in depth once again. For now, I am going to keep it a bit closer to the chest. Process it all. Work it all out. But then, THEN, I will share it with all of you.

Today - Random Musings

2010-08-14T20:15:00.003-04:00

Things I learned.felt.enjoyed.pondered today, August 14, 2010.
(In chronological order!)

1. I love waking up when it's a little chilly in the apartment. No fan. No A/C. Just open window and some serious chill.

2. I hate when that chill comes in August because it makes me think that summer is nearly over.

3. Thanks to the insane lateness of Labor Day - that end is way further off than I think it is!

4. I loved the meeting I went to this morning. Great ideas were shared. I shared. I felt supported. I am blissful.

5. Reading on a stoop with the sun shining down is a pretty amazing experience.

6. Eat Pray Love is not nearly as good as the book. Julia Roberts is too Julia Roberts-y and it feels forced. It's also insanely long.

7. I want to go to Bali. Yesterday.

8. Making new friends is a delight. Had a first friend "date" with a new friend and she's terrific. We pondered love, work, balance, communication and the way society rolls now vs. how it used to.

9. Today was a perfect summer Saturday in NYC. No crowds. No clouds. Just bliss.

10. Swimming every now and then takes the boredom out of cardo. The pool at the JCC is a gorgeous place.

11. Missing my goddaughters a LOT. Especially when I visit with their cats. The apartment feels so empty. The city feels even lonelier without them.

12. MI-5 is a brilliant television show. I love it. I just do.

13. Peaches and blueberries are a wonderful combination. Especially at the end of a summer day.

14. I've missed blogging (especially my "Random Musings" posts) but I've had to start journaling for my OA stuff and I find myself to be creatively tapped out at the end of most days. I am choosing not to share the OA journaling, I need to keep that close to the vest as I strive for recovery and serenity, but I will try and blog more often none the less.

15. I love staying up on a Saturday night with the express purposes of skyping with my beloved friends in India!

I'm Alright!

2010-08-11T16:09:00.001-04:00

I just spoke to someone. Someone who knows me. Loves me. Reads my FB. And they were concerned based on my recent updates.

You see, I sometimes forget that people remember that I was a teenage druggie and despite my near 14 years drug free, when they read my twelve stepp-y updates they thought I'd relapsed!

THIS IS NOT THE CASE!!!!

In fact, it's really good news. I'm using the 12 steps again, but for another addiction that every single one of you knows I've been dealing with my entire life - FOOD.

I don't want to share more right now except to say it's going well and I'm happy to be dealing with a lifelong struggle in a new way.

Just wanted to clear the air and let you know I'm great! And accepting the things I can not change while changing the things I can- and all that good stuff!

Luck & Love!

Summer.

2010-07-26T18:18:00.002-04:00

SO many bloggers in my world have posted similar entries in the past few days, and I now happily join the ranks...

We're all apologizing. To our readers. For ignoring them. You see, we're all suffering from the same distraction:

SUMMER!

In the past few weeks I have swam in a number of swimming pools, been on two boats, had several birthday parties/celebrations, seen three shows (Broadway, off-Broadway and Shakespeare in the Park), spent time with beloved friends, heard the NY Philharmonic play in Central Park, napped, read and worked.

And all of that fun having means, less blogging.

I guess I'm just a lucky girl... more blogging once things calm down. Hopefully, that won't be for a LONG time! In fact, the rest of this week looks amazingly packed with friends, family and trips out of town, so it could definitely be a while...

Until the next time, ENJOY YOUR SUMMER!

By 35...

2010-07-14T17:27:00.001-04:00

With 31 on the horizon, I thought I'd post my things-to-do-before-35 list.

When I put my pre-30 list out into the universe I managed to complete it 6 months ahead of time.

Take a look at the new one. Am I crazy? or crazy brilliant? Only time will tell!

Get my OWN apartment
Find a boyfriend
Go to Africa and Australia
Travel to somewhere new at least twice a year
Keep being healthy… Get to that size 12 already!!!
Accomplish everything on the Physical Milestones List
Spend more time with friends and family
Say YES more often
Keep dancing and find other ways to perform
Expand the business and make it FLOURISH!
Make the business Earn $100,000 in one year

Kissing a Stranger

2010-07-12T20:35:00.003-04:00

On the 1 train. Heading uptown.

Reading my book.

Listening to my iPhone.

Minding my own.

Then he walks into the car.

Tall. Thin.

Pink Floyd t-shirt.

Big, black combat boots.

Spiked metal belt.

Intense eyeliner.

One eye drawn to look like it's crying black tears.

One eye crossed, like a 'T', top of the lid to middle of the cheek and eye point to eye point.

Mohawk, not spiked at the moment, but dyed bright red.

Spider tattoo on left forearm.

Skull necklace.

He's probably in his early 20s.

He is, despite all the accoutrement, a very good looking guy.

Everyone avoids him.

People get up, change their seats.

He seems proud to have intimidated them by his "look".

He's mad. Angry. Pissed off.

Or is he?

I want to sit next to him.

I wand to reach out and hold his hand.

I want to kiss him on the mouth. Tell him to love life and people. Be accessible.

Instead, I just smile at him. He scowls back. I smile larger.

I send him my love, even if he can't send me his.

Love.

Shakespeare Foot - Test Drive

2010-07-12T12:34:00.001-04:00

Today, after many weeks of no gym/dance classes, I went back to the gym and did three ten minute bouts of cardio. My foot feels okay. Not great, but okay. Happy to have had my sister there to cheer me on. Now it's all about sitting around and waiting to see how it feels tomorrow morning and later tonight.

There's been a LOT going on - clients, friends, summer ridiculousness - and I wholly intend to blog further this week - especially as it's the last week of my 30th year! Much reflection to be done.

Soon...

Weird Wacky Dream

2010-06-23T07:17:00.003-04:00

The more humid it gets, the weirder my dreams. And last night was no exception. I only remember dreams if I wake up slowly while still in the middle of them, and more often then not they're a direct reflection of what's going on in my life. Last night's dream was a hilarious reflection of what I'm currently immersed in. Here's what I have been able to reconstruct through my memory and - even better than memory - my iPhone's notepad where I quickly typed what I could remember upon waking...

The scene: An outdoor tv set - with pirate ship

The mood: Peter Pan!

The characters: Myself, The actor who plays Chuck Bass on Gossip Girl (who's name for this dream was Aaron and who had a British accent), NYCB dancer Megan Fairchild (as Tinkerbell, naturally), Broadway performer Alex Brightman (as Peter, obviously), the judging panel from So You Think You Can Dance (Shankman, Mia Michaels and Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe).

So, the dream started with me in odd ambiguously ethnic costume prepared to be a featured performer in a SYTYCD segment being directed by "Aaron" (British Chuck Bass). Megan Fairchild and Alex Brightman were starring - with Megan on pointe, naturally - and it was all going terribly so I volunteered (classic!) to assistant direct the segment and "Aaron" accepted with a coy smile. All of my NYCB friends were in the piece as were a bunch of my Broadway friends, and we had a blast shooting it.

I can't remember much about the actual production or choreography, but we were all having a great time.

And then I woke up. And I laughed. I was struck by how similar this dream was to the vampire, Nutcracker dream (read about THAT hilarity HERE!) but it all makes perfect sense given my current surroundings... Over the past eight weeks, I have spent SO much time at NYCB and backstage at various shows AND watching SYTYCD that the dream all made perfect sense. I only wish I could remember the rest of it. Maybe tomorrow night...

Speaking of NYC Ballet...

2010-06-20T10:17:00.001-04:00

... they're hilarious and supper talented.

Check out the video - directed by my friend Kristen - with music created by my friends Ask and Henry. It was made for a fancy shmancy donor event called Dance With the Dancers. I wonder how many of the attendees of the event enjoyed the absurdity of the video?

Bravo to all involved - it's wonderful!

Random Musings - Resting the Foot Edition

2010-06-19T16:44:00.004-04:00

I realized recently, that many of my random tweets this week could easily have been excerpts from a "Random Musings" posts here on ye ole' blog. So, I've taken some of them, expanded for your enjoyment, and sprinkled in some "original" musings for your enjoyment!

The World Cup is back. I started becoming aware of this sports tradition in 1998 when my brother had a French exchange student, Remy - he was tall, kind, and smelt of cologne. After that experience, I wound up being around Europeans (or in Europe) for the Japan and Germany games and have savored the successes and defeats of many of my friends' countries (and rooted for the US whenever they played). One particularly tough loss was the loss of England in 2002 when I happened to be in London with my beloved Runacres. The defeat was palpable - and with the game being shown on Tokyo time - the drowning of sorrows began VERY early that morning.

I love the sport. It has such straight forward rules and requires a level of endurance that I find mind-boggling. I really like it when world cup sportscasters use the word "lovely" to describe a particular spin, kick or save. It's delightful. So civilized. I'm trying to watch as many matches as I can in the first round of group play, but I'm really looking forward to the elimination round - there's nothing like sudden death!

Today, I've watched all three matches (I'm still resting the foot, see!) and although I didn't know what to watch between the end of the morning matches and the afternoon match, I was saved by the Ovation channel, which was showing Jesus Christ Superstar! I may be the only person to switch between the two, but that's me - eclectic!

My foot's diagnosis of a severe bone bruise means not only resting, and spending some well needed time off my feet, but it also means throwing out some sandals & buying new, more supportive ones. Doctor mandated shopping! I've been told that flat hard soled sandals - like the cute (read CHEAP!) ones I bought at the Gap last month are terrible for me. I need to have at least a half inch sole. Something to absorb the shock and allow my foot the chance to heel. SO I have two pairs - Clarks and Patagonias - on the way from the good people at Zappos and I have reluctantly parted with some cheapie shoes. I just can't bring myself to yet throw out my Aerosoles flats that have been worn out, but I know I'll have to do it soon!

Even though I'm technically taking time off my foot (i.e. no dancing or running) I'm still doing a lot of walking, just in better shoes. One walk, this Thursday, was from a client's office in the theatre district to their home on the Upper West side. I was able to take a detour to see my friend Nick play on his Broadway Show's softball team. Did you know that there's a Broadway Softball league? Seriously, google it. It's kind of amazing. They shows play against each other and it's pretty fun to see the actors and crew out of the theatre enjoying the fresh air.

On this walk, I also past two iconic NYC locations - Cafe des Artiste and Tavern on the Green. Both legendary places lying empty & being taken apart. Weird. A result of the economic situation in NYC - and it's not just the legendary places -not at all. There are tons of empty store fronts to be found right now, and it's really frightening...

One NYC location that isn't lying empty is Lincoln Center and I'm feeling it. For sure! I've spent an insane amount of time at the State Theatre whilst volunteering for, and patronizing, my beloved NYC Ballet. I've realized that I'm there too much now. For real. When it gets to the point where you start dreaming choreography and humming the music from obscure ballets (and NOT obscure ballets too) it's just too much! For example, I tweeted yesterday that "Evita totally rips off the final movement of Prokofiev's "Prodigal Son"." You know it's time to leave the theatre when you think things like that! But I'm lucky, through my volunteering and my friendships at the company, I've found an even deeper level of appreciation for the dancing, and for the love I have for it in my life. It wasn't until I was in my seat at the theatre last Sunday, with the curtain rising on Balanchine's quintessential ballet "Serenade" that I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling - and it was lovely to get so many surreptitious hugs this week from my friends, and a wonderfully supportive dinner to boot - to remind me just how much the place means to me!

On a lighter note, I tweeted this week about some things I'm currently obsessed with. Here's an expanded list (damn you with your 140 characters!):

Gavin & Stacey on BBCAmerica. It's brilliant show, but I'm bummed it's over. I hate how UK TV always ends shows after two or three seasons. If Friends can run for ten seasons, or however many they did, why can't the brilliant Gavin and Stacey?!?!

BBQ PopChips - delicious!

My Tom's shoes - doctor approved, comfortable, cute AND when you buy a pair they give a pair to children in need.

Sprite Zero - my summer time indulgence. However lame that might sound.

My birthday being 1 month away - last year was such a big deal, I think this year will be just drinks at a bar in the neighborhood with whomever is in town.

The Original Broadway Recording of American Idiot. Brilliant. There's something simply incredible about the re-working of Greenday's epic album and the orchestrations by Tom Kitt that can't be missed. Buy it. Download it. Listen to it. You'll thank me. Then go see it at the St. James Theatre!

The 12 year-old girl in me is really looking forward to Twilight Eclipse. Vampire army? Shirtless werewolves? Brooding stares? I'm there.

I also have been in a feverish reading mode - and just finished the book "The Help" which was suggested and given to me by my sister-in-law who, among other wonderful things, is my reading soul mate. I've never not liked a book she's suggested. Buy it. Read it. You'll thank me!

And, finally, the shocking current obsession. The Starbucks Frapuccino Light. That's right folks, after decades of not being able to offer a "Light" AND Decaf version of a Frap, Starbucks has finally got their proverbial shite together and you can now enjoy a sugar free (they're using stevia apparently) AND it can be made without caffeine! This will, no doubt, be my summer indulgence and I can't wait! If only they weren't so tempting and expensive!

And that's it for now... more soon about upcoming summer plans and the post-foot-rest restart of health watch 2010 - complete with a new post-birthday kick off of the run-up-to-sister's-wedding insanity!

Perspective

2010-06-16T11:09:00.002-04:00

Good news - the foot is NOT broken.
Bad news - the foot is bruised and sprained.
Best news - I'm putting it all in perspective.

Here's the thing, when I went to the doctor yesterday, I heard another patient's diagnosis. I know I shouldn't have listened, but I was iPhone less (my battery is non-functional and I'm just hoping it makes it until I get a new one!) and it was hard not to hear what was going on.

The patient in the room next to mine - a very large man who was in an extra-large wheelchair and had both feet in casts - was being told that his diabetes was out of control and his circulation had ceased to reach his feet and he had a bacterial infection that was eating away at his leg muscles. He was going to lose his legs. Or he would die.

Hearing a conversation like that but all my bitching and moaning of the past few days into perspective and it got me thinking about my own health.

Two and a half years ago, I was almost 300 pounds. I still don't entirely know how it happened, it was a combination of a life long struggle matched with a job I hated, a life I disliked and a general feeling of self-loathing. As you all know, I've spent the past two and a half years working my butt off (literally!) in the quest for better health. And, although I'm reluctant to jinx it, I've done a solid job of it. There have been ups and downs - most of them documented here on the old bloggie blog, but there have been more ups than downs.

With the other patient's diagnosis in my mind, I was concerned when the doctor came in to my exam room and - after hearing the tale of the Shakespeare foot- clamped down on my foot - which led me to yelp out in pain. As he was setting up the xray machine, he was going on and on about stress fractures and being in a boot for 6-8 weeks and I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes. What was I going to do about my health? How would I walk? Dance? Run? Would I start gaining weight immediately? What about my summer?

And then, he took the Xray. And it wasn't broken. The diagnosis, a deep bone bruise and a sprained foot. The prescription - no running for 4 weeks. No dancing for 2. No high heels (not a problem for me) for a few weeks. Some anti-inflammatories. A follow up appointment in two weeks for another set of Xrays just to be sure.

And then the doctor told me that I should probably just stop running at all. He maintains that people over 150 pounds shouldn't run as the joint and bone stress is not worth the weight loss. His recommendations were swimming, elliptical and bike riding. No running. At least not unless I get down to 150 pounds (doubtful with my body build - thanks Dad!).

As I walked out of the office - with my foot happily boot free - I was thanking the universe for the not broken foot and for the perspective the office visit offered me. I am not in as bad a situation as the person in the other room, but if I hadn't worked so hard two and a half years ago - until today - I COULD have been that person. I need to remember to continue to work hard to be healthy and happy and remember how lucky I am for all the goodness that I have in my life and try not to get bogged down in the bullshit. I need to keep it all in sight and remember where I as, where I am and where it is that I am headed...

It's Raining. It's Pouring. The Sky is Falling.

2010-06-14T16:50:00.003-04:00

When it rains, it pours.

This has been an incredibly trying three days and, frankly, I'd like to vent about it all. So here I am. Blogging it out. Feels good. Feels like home. Feels necessary. But it won't be all bad, there's been a lot of thinking/feeling/sussing things out so let me share the gory uglies with you all...

Let's start with Thursday, shall we?!?! Yes, let's. Thursday I found out that I'm not included. Yup, I'm EXcluded from a celebration this summer. It's not MY celebration but it's a celebration I thought I would be included in, and one that I was really looking forward to. Apparently, I thought wrong. Ego bruised, but I brushed it off... I thought I'd brushed it off, but more on that later - or not - I don't need to give more ammo to whatever caused such a burning dislike of me to leave me so high school drama excluded. Regardless, it wasn't a fun way to start the weekend. And it only got worse from there...

Let's move on to Friday, shall we? Friday I realized that I was going to have a lot of stress ahead of me this summer as project after project for the business began popping up. I also realized that my sister's wedding was a year and a day away and started to freak out about my physical appearance (which is good, but still not "ideal) which led to my conscious acceptance that my foot (the infamous Shakespeare Foot ) was hurting which in turn led to me skipping a dance class in order to try and get it to "heal". Which kind of depressed me. I HATE missing dance classes. Things were looking up on Friday - a date with the guy, the dress rehearsal for Merchant of Venice. A pretty nice NYC evening. Such a nice evening, in fact, that - after two months of dating and keeping it relatively secret - I outed myself on this here blog because thinks seemed to be going well...Big mistake. Big. HUGE!

Because then it was Saturday and the little annoyances of the previous days were about to be eclipsed by the arrival of the guy, unannounced, at my apartment (well, outside my apartment to be specific). And here's how that all went...

Call me optimistic. Call me stupid. Call me clueless. Call me whatever. BUT I really, truly didn't see this one coming. I knew he was preoccupied with his job (which he actively hates) and an impending apartment hunt, but things were going really well. He kept asking for the next dates. He kept taking me out. He kept paying. But apparently, he wasn't feeling things. Or at least that's what he said while tears welled up in his eyes. I have, historically, become less emotional when dealing with emotional people (for serious, ask my family... my hyper-rationalizing in the face of tears is legendary) and that's exactly what happened. I kept my shit together and spoke freely and honestly, and I'm glad I did. Because, I was able to explain a few things to him. First, that I wasn't looking for commitment and it was shocking to me that he was worried he couldn't commit when that was NOT what I was looking for. Secondly, I was able to call him on his bullshit and say that, in my opinion, the REAL reason he was freaking out was because he hates his job and is unhappy in life (hello! been there, done that) and that until he finds his own happiness he won't be able to find happiness with anyone else. Thirdly, I was able to say that I think he needs to really and truly look at his situation in NYC and decide if he's happy HERE. And finally, I was able to have the last word, the closure - if you will - of letting him know that by pushing me away, not only was he alienating himself from a prospective ally and assistant with his challenges, but he was also passing up the best thing that would ever happen to him.

And then I walked away. Head held high. Ego destroyed. Heart hurting. But proud of my ability to keep it together. But all the drama was not over for the evening. Instead I wound up being involved in an email conflict within the family that left me completely emotionally exhausted, frustrated and - frankly - furious.

This was NOT my weekend.

I woke up Sunday feeling spent. Exhausted. Empty. But I can't stay feeling that way for too long, and I started operation brush-myself-off and I was doing a pretty good job at first. I went over all the usual positive affirmations. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. People like me (well, most people like me - some just exclude me). At least it wasn't 2 years into the relationship. At least I found out now. At least I had a good time while it lasted. At least I opened myself up to the experience. At least I'm healthy. At least I have family. At least I have a job. Money. Friends.

But those kind of statements - especially in the beginning of the healing process - go hand in hand with the BUTs of it all. I'm healthy- BUT I'm not skinny. I have family - BUT they drive me crazy. I have friends - BUT they're not always there for me and I've lost a few in the past few years. I opened myself up to the experience - BUT I got hurt. I have a job - BUT I could be making more money.

Then the cycle continues... At least I'm not living in poverty. At least I am not on the gulf coast. At least I have my sight. My hearing. My everything/anything.

Rinse. Repeat. Recycle.

Thankfully I had a date with NYC Ballet on Sunday afternoon - which temporarily put the cycle to rest! I did, however, finally allow myself to feel some true emotion thanks to the brilliance that is George Balanchine's Serenade. You know you're a ballet nerd/emotional control freak when you can hold your shit together until the curtain rises and only then can you let yourself feel enough to cry. The ballet helped - it always does - but I was still in a funk and Shakespeare foot was rearing its ugly head.

This morning, I woke up determined. My determination faltered when I headed to class and tried to dance on my foot. NOT SMART, SARAH, NOT SMART AT ALL. Suffice it to say, I couldn't even make it through warm ups. BUT I did get a referral for a podiatrist and I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. I have spent the rest of today processing, thinking, planning and I'm feeling much more optimistic than yesterday, and I'm sure tomorrow will be a bit better and then the next day and the next day, and soon, this will all just be another one of those craptastic weekends that I can look back on with the satisfaction of having made it through relatively unscathed and better for it by having learned, grown, felt, experienced and lived it all.

SO, how's THAT for a real, true, honest, no holds barred update?

Amazing.

2010-06-12T19:35:00.002-04:00

Less than 12 hours after posting that blog entry, turns out I'm NOT dating him anymore. He's got some major issues to work on - namely the fact that he doesn't like his job and he has to begin searching for a new place to live - and he's unwilling (unable?) to commit. And I'm not willing to sit around waiting for him to get his life fully in order right now, I have too much of my own getting in order to focus on!

OR maybe I just jinxed it by posting about it on the blog this morning. Just kidding. Even I don't believe that the blog has that kind of super powers over others.

I'll be fine y'all, don't worry about me. I have tons to throw myself into - including the growing business, my beloved friends, my family of birth and of choice and the fact that there are only 365 days until my sister's wedding and I need to be in top physical form by then!

But boy, it just ain't easy.

The Fine Line

2010-06-12T12:42:00.003-04:00

So... where have I been, you might be asking?

Why no blogging?

Well, despite being such an open book, a self-proclaimed story teller, an open minded blogger, it turns out that I have inadvertently stumbled across the fine line that I didn't even know existed... the line of true absolute privacy - and it's impacted my ability to share with all of you.

You see, I've met someone. Yup, me, the I'm-going-to-be-single-forever girl. The thing is, I want to keep the details as private as possible in the early stages of our "relationship" if you can even call it that at this point, and that means I've had very little to tell all of you in the meantime.

Everything is going well in my life. Another sentence I never thought I'd write, or say, or even THINK. And every time I say, think or write it, I sort of feel like I'm dooming myself to failure. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to make a misstep that can't be fixed.

And so, I'm staying as private as I can on this matter. And on most matters for the time being.

Crazy, right? I think so. But necessary. I don't want to cross that fine fine line....

In Memoriam

2010-05-22T17:58:00.002-04:00

Last night, after an 8 hour day in the hallowed halls of New York City Ballet, I headed with a delightful friend of mine to one of our favorite haunts the delicious (and conveniently located) Rosa Mexicano.

Those of you who know me, or who read this blog with any amount of seriousness, know that Rosa Mexicano is home to one of my all-time favorite meals. A seared duck breast served with a blackberry sauce, pureed sweet potatoes and grilled asparagus.

I ate that duck dish the night of my graduate school graduation.
On birthdays.
Before a ballet performance.
After a ballet performance.
Hell, I have taken pictures of that dish.

Last night, when my friend and I sat down for dinner, I had a sad and shocking realization.

The duck breast is no longer on the Rosa Mexicano.

You will be missed, duck breast. You will be truly missed.

Copy and Paste

2010-05-21T11:34:00.001-04:00

One of the funniest things I've read this week is from my sister-in-law's blog (which I'm not going to link here until she tells me it's okay for me to/or not).

BUT, I am copying and pasting for you here my favorite part...

"But, rather than send you off to enjoy your weekend with no offering from me, I thought I would share with you some of the gems that Big Boy, clearly feeling sorry for himself, has uttered over the past few days:

“I can’t eat blueberries. My arms are too long.”
“I couldn’t sleep. I have bad breath.”
“I don’t like my home. The walls are too white.” (This is not the first time he’s shared this particular complaint.)
“I don’t want dinner. My teeth are too cold.”
“I’m too old. I just want to sleep.”

Amazing.

Dinner with the Goddaughters

2010-05-12T19:36:00.002-04:00

After a two week absence from my Goddaughters (and this blog) thanks to insane explosion of work, personal life, and lifecycle family celebrations, I finally got the chance to sit down with S & E (now 8 and 10) for a killer dinner at Good Enough to Eat.

Some highlights of the meal now - from me, and the girls, as we recount our awesomeness:

S disavowed me and said I am too busy and that she liked me better when I had nothing else to do but babysit for her.

E agreed with the belief that our dinner was neither healthy NOR unhealthy - a concept that blew S's mind.

I opened conversation with "What's new? Anyone got a new boyfriend?". I got no response.

S laid a MASSIVE guilt trip on me when she discovered that I would be missing her piano recital because of my mother's birthday! HOW DARE I!?!??!

E, on the other hand, pointed out that it was HER (E's) recital too and that she didn't care either way.

E also doubled back in the conversation to the initial boyfriend question and turned it back on me. I blushed. And then I got secret info from S which I can not share with any of you because she would kill me.

In several moments of confusion, I was called "Mom", "Dad" and "E" by S. Ridiculous!

Many of those moments happened after the shared enjoyment of a glass cup full of homemade ice cream.

Hopping down the street was the preferred method of returning home.

When home, I was treated to a piano recital (no kidding!) and am looking forward to a preview of the talent show.

American Idol has already been watched - and the girls have let me know that it's Casey's turn to go home and that either Lee or Chrystal will win.

S demanded a back scratching session, which became a belly scratching session and felt oddly canine.

And now, both girls have helped me write this blog - a blog that I don't update anymore because I am stupid and mean (according to S) because I don't have enough free time anymore to blog/hang out with my beloved, worshiped, and celebrated goddaughters.

And then I hit send...

2010-04-28T18:51:00.000-04:00

What a day.

After several months of planning, I hit the send button on an email announcing the expansion of my business - the ability to increase my client base and take on new work.

I sat with this email for a month. Waiting for the "right" time. I realized last night that there was never going to be the "right" time, just the time to hit it and see what happened. And so, this morning, I pressed it.

So far, the response has been favorable - but odd. Some people have opened it and emailed. Some have already passed it along. But others have asked to be unsubscribed from the list. And more than half the recipients haven't opened the email yet.

It appears most of my worrying was for nothing. It also appears that this is going to be a small success, not a large one, which is fine - and already has me brainstorming about more creative (read expensive and risky) ways to promote the brilliance that is the business.

Suffice it to say, I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am energized and excited - and feel substantially less nervous now that I've hit "send". The anticipation was far more frightening than the reality - but I guess that's the way it usually goes!

Random Musings - Springtime Edition

2010-04-20T19:51:00.003-04:00

Another day, another Random Musings post.

I have been filled with thoughts - randomly entering my brain at the most inconvenient times throughout the week - and tonight, as Dan sits riveted to Dr. Who on the tellie, I thought I'd share some of those thoughts with you all....

First off - an update. Dance style. I started taking classes at the Ailey Extension this past week and I've been loving it. It's SO much fun to dance in a real dance studio with real dancers. So far, I have taken basic ballet and hip-hop class and I've loved them both. Most importantly, I've been challenged by both. I've also had my first two-class day yesterday, when I had a lyrical class in the morning and a contemporary class in the evening. Suffice it to say, I was exhausted when it was over, but I was also supremely proud of myself - and energized!

I don't know who told me, but I want to thank whoever it was that told me that American Apparel had good leggings, they were right. However, their leggings are NOT pants. This past week, when it was really warm out, I passed a woman walking down Amsterdam who was wearing black leggings as pants. I'm not sure if she thought that they were solid cloth or not, but I can tell you they were NOT. They became nearly translucent in the sunlight and as she walked by I got an uncanny view of her private parts. She walked on by as if nothing was wrong. I walked on by completely disturbed...

Speaking of walking, this is my absolute favorite time of year to walk around NY and this year everything seems so much greener! Many people attribute it to the amount of precipitation we received during winter and early spring. Whatever does it, I'm so glad it happened because Central Park has never looked park-i-er!

While I walk, I am often found with my iPhone headphones in my ears, more often than not, singing at a not-insane-but-still-audible level. The other day, Britney Spear's "Oops I Did it Again" came on my iPhone when it was randomly shuffling. I admit here - in the public blogosphere - that I not only enjoyed listening to it, but I found myself doing some of the choreography in my head!

Not sure if I've mentioned this on the blog yet - and too lazy to find out - but I have two new food obsessions. Wallaby yogurt (especially the Maple flavor) and Qbell chocolate wafer cookies (delicious chocolate wafers for only 130 calories per pack). I'm obsessed with both and happy to have them in my life.

Book update - remember when I asked you for book suggestions - well a big box from Amazon arrived today with many of them in it. I am looking forward to a summer of good reading - specifically the alternating between those books and the remaining works of John Irving that I have yet to read. I will, by the end of this summer, have read all of Irving's works - an accomplishment I am excited to make.

With spring here, so are my NYCB volunteer obligations. I'm looking extremely forward to an exciting season with many new works. Very good stuff on deck and some bittersweet moments too as four dancers are going to be retiring this season.

I love the fact that my toenails are read again. It's the true symbol of spring arriving. My painted toes make me happy.

My goddaughters also make me happy - I am continually astonished by them and their growth. This weekend, I was most struck by how much they've learned about fashion and style. Used to be, I'd put them in any old clothes and get them out of the house in no time flat. Now, they have to choose their own clothes, style themselves and do their hair. It takes more time, which can be annoying, but it's kind of amazing to watch. How do kids learn what's cool? Crazy.

Did I mention that I'm still doing that progressive interval running program? I'm taking it a bit slower than I thought I would (they actually say to stay at a week if it is unbearably difficult until it's just hard - advice that I've taken to heart) and I'm still not hating it. I don't love it (I'm not sure if anyone can truly love running) but I'm not hating it - which is pretty freaking impressive!

I'm super motivated right now - both with food and exercise - I'm hoping to keep the momentum going. It helps to be incredibly busy - I find that the busier I am, the less likely I am to slip up with food. I also have prioritized workouts/dance classes in my calendar and I am a sucker for accomplishing tasks on my calendar!

I don't understand Dr. Who. Which is probably good for me, the last thing I need is another show to watch. Especially now that The Tudors, Nurse Jackie AND the US of Tara are back. Thank goodness for premium cable. I'll miss it when I move. I am still contemplating not getting cable - just the basic channels - or at least not premium. I don't know if I can go without Bravo and TLC. Maybe that's a good indicator of the fact that I SHOULD go without them.

Alrighty, that's all for now - got to go do some business expansion and watch GLEE! (another show that I am glad to have back).

Have a fabulous day!

Random Musings - Spring (Summer?) Spring Edition

2010-04-09T16:37:00.003-04:00

I don't know where it comes from, the old adage that if you're talking about the weather it's because you have nothing else to talk about, but the weather in the past couple of months is totally worth being talked about - so much so, it's all anyone can discuss on some days. Wettest February ever. Hottest April day on record. Snow storms. DC shut down for blizzards. Hurricanes. Earthquakes (okay, not technically weather - but totally mother nature related)... we're all talking about it because it's freaking scary. And here I go, start off a Random Musings post with weather related nonsense... eh, it's what's on the top of my brain right now... probably because it forced me to address my summer wardrobe earlier than expected. Which I did...

... with the help of my beloved sister who spend several hours with me, going through clothes and shoes that are too big and not-cute-enough to be taking up valuable drawer/closet space. We went through each article of my wardrobe and assessed it's cuteness factor and whether or not it fit. The pants that could go on and off without being unbuttoned are now for sale at Housing Works - as are the too-big dresses and the too-butch shoes. After the major purge, we also made a list of things I needed in my wardrobe (belts, cute sandals, new "pumps", blousy summer tops, new running shoes) and I spent the past two weeks purchasing those items. It's great to know that everything in my closet fits and feels right. At least for now.... I'm sure I'll have to purge again soon if the health kick/weight loss continues at its current rate.

I'm running. Have I told you all that? It's a plan called Couch to 5K. It's a slow ramp up to running a 3 mile (5K) race. I've done the first week twice (you're encouraged to go slowly if you've never run before) and the second week twice and am now revving up to starting the third week tomorrow. I used to not be able to run half a block, let alone half a minute... now I'm running several minutes in a row without feeling like I'm gonna die. I find I like to do the timed running on a treadmill - lonely but easy to keep track of timing for running and walking and switching between the two, but I want to find people to run with outdoors once I'm up to 1 1/2 miles of straight running. I miss my former buddies Lauren and Adrienne who are both kicking ass at grad schools out-of-town. Running with people makes it more fun... any volunteers out there?

Also - anyone want to come with me to Ailey to take beginner dance classes? On Monday I went to see a dance show there and while walking by the classes I was delighted to see all the shapes/sizes/dance levels in the studios. Why do I stress out about going to STEPS - the land of the competitive bunheads when I could be going somewhere that looks so inviting and welcoming? I am going to try and get up the nerve to attend a beginner ballet class this weekend. I think given my two years of dancing as an adult and my history dancing as a kid that I'll be fine in a beginner level class, but it's always difficult to go to a new school - especially since my Monday and Friday classes are so tight-night and supportive. But I'll do it...

If I'm not distracted by watching season 4 of The Wire. I heard how amazing the show was - my mom/sister/brother and sister-in-law swore by it. But I never watched it. Until now. I breezed through the first season on HBO On Demand and watched seasons 2 and 3 on DVD - in a matter of days. I'll be starting season 4 soon and I can't WAIT to see where it goes. Also, I am - and always will be - in love with Pablo Schrieber. I fell in love with him in theatre (on and off-broadway) but my love for him solidified with The Wire.

The amazingness of The Wire made me start assessing my DVR "Series Manager" too. If there's such great TV out there (hello LOST!!!!), why am I still watching crap? And so, goodbye 90210 and American Idol and the Biggest Loser. You don't stimulate me anymore. Farewell The Real World, Mercy and all the crap reality shows on E!. I am giving you up and going on a DVR diet. Yes, I'll still have my guilty pleasures on there, but I'm going to try and be smarter about how I spend my TV time!

My time is valuable, damn it! I have a business to expand, races to run, dances to dance, family to love, goddaughters to snuggle (they're growing up TOO fast), friends to see, books to read, ballet to attend (and docent at!!!), plans to make, places to go, people to meet, boys to fall in love with... I can't waste my time anymore! Speaking of... I should really get going... time is a-wasting!

Before I sign off, a big thanks to those of you who gave me book ideas - now a new question - anyone have any new music I should be listening to? I am sick of the 45 GB of music I own. Yup, that's right. 45 GB and sick of it. Embarrassing, I know. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Much love to you all!

Summer Reading 2010

2010-04-08T13:35:00.003-04:00

Alright, my darling beloved blogosphere readers... I have a fun request for you all...

You see, my to-be-read pile of books is down to just three. Yup, you read that correctly, just three unread books on my shelf!

Which means - I need suggestions from you all of good books to read this coming summer.

Let me give you an idea first about what my favorite books have been recently to give you an idea of where my brain is at...

LOVED John Irving's "A Widow For One Year" - Can't believe I'd never read it before.

LOVED Dennis Lehane's "A Given Day" - Brilliant historical fiction.

LOVED The True Blood Books - fluffy and embarrassing, but fun!

Some of my all-time favorite books:

Time and Again by Jack Finney

Time Traveler's Wife

Water for Elephants

The Namesake

The God of Small Things

Middlesex

In terms of genres... I love historical fiction, and novels set in New England and New York. I love good characters. Family dramas. And I'm a sucker for good chick lit and other beach fluff.

SO... That's what I've been reading - what have YOU been reading? What should I read next?

Post your suggestions in the comment section or email/text/call me with suggestions.

GO!

Wow.

2010-04-03T08:49:00.002-04:00

Just when I say I'll try to blog more often, life jumps in the way again. Happily, life has jumped in the way in a fantastic manner.

I spent an entire weekend snuggling with my nephews and singing Beatles songs with my Sister-in-law and my brother (who officially loves me more now that I've helped him win a Rockband trophy for 23 songs sung in perfect three part harmony). The entire weekend went too fast and was wonderful. I always feel so comfortable with them and - forced singing apart - this trip was no exception. The only downside? Leaving. There's nothing that tugs at your heart strings quite the way that your nephew saying "Don't Leave! Stay forever and we can stay in our jam jams and play play play!". Amazing.

I'm now in the final stint - at least for a while - at one of my client's homes. I love their apartment AND their dog, I'd have to for goodness sakes, I've spent more than 60% of my nights this year thus far at their place! They have no trips planned any time soon so I am looking forward to moving home for more than five consecutive nights - something that hasn't happened since December!!!

The exercise and health situation continues at a moderate and steady pace. I lost about 5 pounds per month the first three months of this year - which is pretty solid. Beyond that, I don't feel like I've starved myself or overworked it in the gym so that's definitely progress. I just need to keep pushing away - staying under 1800 cals per day and getting at least 30 minutes of moderate to strenuous physical activity daily to keep losing at this rate. Let's keep this ball rolling down hill!

The final piece that's been a main focus the past few weeks is the impending business expansion. I am getting all of the pieces (legal, financial, structural) into place to bring on my employees (YES!) in order to take on new clients (YES YES YES!). I have a few prospects coming up this week so keep your blogosphere fingers crossed that I land them!

And that's the latest. I will try my damndest to update again soon, but no promises - there's just too much happening!

Random Musings - Where Have I Been Edition?

2010-03-21T07:43:00.002-04:00

Another long gap of time has passed since my last blog entry. I have had an unbelievably busy few weeks and the only reason I have time to blog right now is because I finished a project for a client ahead of time (yay!) and woke up early this morning with a desire to share with you all what I've been up to, AND some random musings that have been going through my head!

First, the where-I've-been update!

I've been out of my own apartment every weekend this month - a fun and trying experiment which I'll not try again any time soon.

First it was a weekend in CT with KSW and the goddaughters. Bliss. There was lots of movie watching and snuggling up and the only downside was the shortness of the trip.

Then, it was the Oscars - which I found grossly underwhelming and 2 hours too long. I also feel that the closer I get to the entertainment industry the more I dislike the self-congratulatory nature of it... Eh, what can you do.

The second weekend was a long-awaited trip to Florida to see my Dad's new home. The trip was fantastic and harrowing (happily not at the same time). We (my uncle came with!) were supposed to spend three blissful days in the sun. Unfortunately, it was pouring buckets our first day... But THAT was redeemed by a gorgeous Saturday filled with sunshine, boats and dolphins. The house is perfect and I have re-examined my previous loathsome judgments about people who move to Florida because I really GET what my Dad and step-mom are looking forward to now. Sunshine in your backyard. No snow to shovel. I see now what they're seeing and I am looking forward to more trips in the coming years. The trip ended in absolute chaos thanks to mother nature's wrath in the Northeast and numerous canceled planes - and in a terrifying ordeal, I wound up losing a day in Florida spending it instead on lines with hundreds of people, panic, fear, a blessing of a Jet Blue employee, a security line man who helped me cut a line, a mad dash, more fear, and then finally landing in NYC.

The pace of the weekend was, sadly, not as relaxing as I was expecting (needless to say) and I was thrown back into a crazy week of focusing on the business expansion and getting many little tasks out of the way.

This weekend, I'm at a client's which is more relaxing than I expected. Yesterday - I had the pleasure of taking KSW and the goddaughters to my third and final viewing of South Pacific at Lincoln Center. What a breathtaking show. Too long, but extremely good. I had SO much fun watching the girls watch the show. SAW's eyes popping out of her head with excitement when the overture started, EHW getting all of the jokes without me needing to explain barely anything to her. The best part was my dear friend N took us all backstage afterward and presented the girls with autographed sailor hats - what a treat! This afternoon, Broadway weekend continues as we head to Wicked - which they've also never seen. Should be fun.

So that's where I've been - busy! Add to all the weekends the impending business expansion, the daily gym sessions, seeing the occasional friend (not as much of this as I'd like), and the perfect storm of client insanity that I've been experiencing (thanks to pilot season, spring break, birthdays, events and impending holidays all coming together in the same three weeks) and I'm just happy to be getting through this month with my mind intact! Hopefully, I'll have more chances to update the blog in the upcoming weeks - especially when I'm in Ohio this coming weekend snuggling the nephews! I've learned a good lesson this month... don't go away every single weekend in one month... spread the joy around!

And now.... some Random Musings!

Why didn't I believe everyone when they were going on and on about how amazing The Wire is? I've watched 1 and a 1/2 seasons so far and I'm seriously impressed. I'm also a bit in love with Dominic West and Pablo Schrieber (who I have been in love with since seeing him in a piece at the Newhouse at LCT). Brilliant show - looking forward to watching the rest of the episodes!

The weight loss continues, by the way, although Florida may have set me back a week - my stepmother has an uncanny ability to present tempting food... Yikes! The good news is I bounced right back on track when I got back to NYC and I'm even doing a running program called Couch to 5K which I've just completed week 2 of and it's making me feel fabulous! Only 14 months til the sister's wedding... Gotta keep it going!

I'm always amazed by how much the change in weather impacts everyone's state of mind. Just two weeks ago, all New Yorkers were walking around grumpy and pissed off. This weekend, with temperatures in the 70s and sun shining down, all of a sudden New Yorkers are smiling and bouncing through the streets again. I'm so happy spring has sprung and I know I'm not alone!

I hate all my clothes. It's a problem. Everything is either too big, too boring or too old. I am going to nip this problem in the bud next Tuesday with a massive clothing purge and donation and I'm looking extremely forward to making a detailed list of items I can buy to replace those that are departing! Yahoo!

Speaking of things that I'm looking forward to... and spring sprunging... I'm loving seeing all my NYCB dancers back in town. They deserved a longer vacation, but I'm spoiled and I love knowing they're back and rehearsing for the spring season. Yippee!

Passover's almost here and I need to decide if I'm going to give up bread for the week... shouldn't be as hard as it used to be as I eat so little bread to begin with. BUT I AM concerned about having to relinquish my morning oatmeal. Perhaps I'll observe Passover just with oatmeal on the accepted list of foods... possible? I think so.

Recently, I've been on a quest to finish my to-read shelf of books. I'm nearly there, with only 5 books left to read. The shelf hasn't been empty in close to a decade, so I'm extremely excited to get to a point where I get to solicit book suggestions from friends and family to fill it back up again. Hopefully that point will come by June - although it may be a bit later as I fell off the plan by deciding I needed more John Irving in my life....

The trip to Florida was amazing in a non-dolphin way too. It was the longest consecutive amount of time I've spent with my father since my parent's divorce. It was amazing to spend so much time with him and to get to hear so many new stories. I challenged him in the cab on the way to the airport to share new stories (he has a familial tendency to tell the same ones over and over) and he impressed the hell out of me by presenting a ton of new stories. I want a do-over with the weather/travel part of the trip - but I'm glad I got those stories!

I bought myself awesome new shoes at a place called French Sole on the Upper East Side. They sell all sorts of ballet flats and they're fun! The bonus insider info is that while the real store is on the east side of Lexington and 71st, the "outlet" is directly across the street on the west side of Lex and their prices are far lower. I'm just saying...

That same day, Suz and I had an amazing authentic and totally snobby NY experience. First, we went to Tiffany's to return some ugly engagement gifts she'd gotten. That place is insane. Then, we headed to the Plaza and had tea by the windows in the lobby. Very fun! I forget that there are all these amazing tourist experiences (outside of Broadway/Ballet, naturally!) that I can take part in even though I'm a native New Yorker.

Dating situation update - still not dating anyone, but have been less upset about that being my reality. I'm also working hard on myself, my mind and my body, and preparing myself to be the best me that I can be. I firmly believe it's partly about my own personal readiness and I'm nearly there, but not quite. I'm also continuing my give-me-your-single-straight-guys push with some success, I have a few friends who have friends who they're thinking of setting me up with... we shall see.

Alrighty, that's it for now. Thanks, as always, for reading and I will try to do more frequent updates in the coming weeks although no promises, it's gonna be a busy rest of the month!

Three Weeks Later...

2010-03-06T09:15:00.002-05:00

Three weeks ago, I opened up about my crisis of self-esteem that I've been dealing with and so many of you responded in such wonderful, varied, supportive ways that I feel it's only right to let you all know how I'm doing.

I'm doing better. Much better. To quote a Jon Mayer song that I've quoted on this blog before (I know, I know...)

"I am in repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there".

Here's the good news:
I set a launch date for the business expansion. This has accomplished several things... It's forced me to focus my energies on the expansion and to quit dragging my heals. It has also helped me look forward and look backwards and realize all that I've accomplished (hello, the original business isn't even two years old yet!) and make premonitions for what's to come!

I ended a 15 year curse in my life by getting back on stage (see the previous blog post for more on that!)

I broke through a weight loss barrier with the calorie counting strategy and I'm feeling GOOD about the consistent weight loss without having to eat only melba toast and edamame or kill myself in the gym.

I came out of social hiding. By putting everything "out there" on the blog, I was able to start seeing friends again and resume social activities. It's been great to see all my friends and my family of choice and my family of birth and having their support has meant the world to me!

I made a new list. Lists make me happy. Actually, I made three lists - lists that I will share with you once they're fully expanded. Until then, I'll tell you what they list.

List 1: Places to Go
- After seeing a clients' photos from their trip to Africa, I've realized that in the business expanding mode, I lost the time and desire to travel and I miss it. I am going to try, moving forward, to go to at least two NEW places every year and I am officially announcing that I am going to go to Africa - and specifically go on safari - before I turn 35.

List 2: Physical Milestones to Accomplish
- Working out for working out's sake is never rewarding. Therefore, I have set down some specific goals for myself. Some ridiculous (do a forward roll and a cartwheel) and some obvious (run a 5K and a 10K) and I am working towards those goals.

List 3: Things to do by 35
- Remember my Things to do before 30 list? The list I accomplished 6 months ahead of time? That list was drawn up about 3 years before said deadline so I figured with 4 and a half years to go until 35, I needed to make a new list- one that can be even more expansive than the previous and I'm loving making the list and looking forward to crossing things off of it!

With all this positive progress, however, there are still lingering issues and sadness, I'm just doing my best to work on the things I can knowingly manage/change/improve and focus on what I've accomplished instead of focusing on what I don't have. The way I see it (thanks to some amazing advice) is that if I think only about what I don't have, I'm not going to be able to accomplish anything. I need to think about the parts of the future I can actually impact and not the what-ifs. I am also going to try and be the best Sarah that I can be, a Sarah who will be ready to get into a relationship when the right person comes along... And I hope that person will be here soon, but if he isn't, I will be okay and I will keep looking for him, but I WON'T focus on his not-being-here and run the risk of losing myself in that feeling.

And that's what's going on in MY world right now... I'll keep ya posted!

Under The Lights

2010-03-04T08:56:00.002-05:00

Last night, I stepped out in front of an audience. People. Strangers. Loved Ones.

I stepped out into the light for the first time in nearly 14 years.

I stepped out into the light and it was AMAZING.

I was nervous. Shaky. Befuddled.

But I worked through the anxiety and I put on my shoes and I danced. And it felt different. New and old at the same time.

The first show, I was most nervous. I had a pounding heart, nausea, cold palms. I momentarily thought I was making a huge mistake. But I heard the music and I thought about how much my choreographer and my fellow dancers were depending on me, and I took those first few steps into the light.

I don't remember what I felt that first time because I was trying to focus so much on the steps and the performance.

The second show, the adrenaline and love from my family of birth and my family of choice was pumping through my veins and, with any first, the initial anxiety had left my body with the first show. As the second show started to wind down to its conclusion - my solo at the top of the last number was all I could think about. I wanted to "leave it all out there" to remember the experience and I did just that.

I focused on the feelings. The lights. The music. The faces of three of my best friends in the audience - caught out of the corner of my eye towards the end of the number. The warmth. The love.

It was incredible.

This morning, thinking about the experience as a whole, I am overwhelmed. I overcame something that has haunted me for 14 years. My fear of the stage. Being in the spotlight. I made a huge step in one of my longest battles last night and it feels incredibly liberating to have accomplished so much.

Thank you to everyone for their in-person and "virtual" support. And, most of all, thank you to Ryan for believing in me and for taking the chance on me and for reminding me that there's an artist living inside of me.

Slush Street Corner Dancers

2010-02-26T17:36:00.002-05:00

There's a ballet being danced right outside my apartment.
If you're in New York, it's being danced outside yours too.
Right there! In the streets... That's right... with THIS much snow on the ground, it MUST be time for...

The Slush Street Corner Dancers in their February Blizzard Extravaganza!

The Slush Street Corner Ballet features characters familiar to anyone who's ever slipped and slid down the streets of New York during the day of and, the days directly following, a major snowstorm...

The Stomper... without fail, the Stomper will trudge through the puddle. They don't care how deep it might be, or how cold, they have their boots on and they will stomp on through.

The Leaper... able to leap slush puddles in single bounds. Over-confident, the Leaper sometimes misjudges and winds up ankle deep or - even worse - flat on their butts.

The Tip-Toer... they tip-toe although there are no tulips. They proceed through puddles with the greatest of ease like ballerinas in pointe shoes.

The Assesment Makers... watching the paths other dancers tread, they stand at each corner, carefully evaluating every possible route they can take. They see the mistakes of those before them and hope not to repeat them. Tentative when no one's around, they're often overwhelmed when there's no clear path to follow.

The Ladened... moms pushing stollers, Fresh Direct delivery men, the old man with the cane, the shopper with grocery bags... The ladened are their own worst enemy, their burdens make their travel that much harder and they are often flumoxed at every corner.

The Generous... the prince charmings of the dance. They offer a hand to the Ladened, to the Assesment Makers, to the Tip-Toers, to the Stompers, to the Leapers. They pick up the fallen, they help shovel the grates open so the runoff has somewhere to go, they smile at you, they lay the path.

What a wonderful dance it is...

I'm an Assesment Maker myself, what about YOU?

And Now For Something Completely Different...

2010-02-23T10:55:00.003-05:00

Instead of an update on MY life, here's a quick update on the life of one of my best friends.

Jen.

Jen/Jenny/Jennifer/Fuh has been mentioned many MANY times here on this blog over the past 2 and 1/2 years, and for good reason - she has been one of my best friends for the past nearly 12 years. Over the last 3 years, Jen has been on an incredible creative journey as she turned an incredible Modern Love column for the NY Times into her first book - a memoir, released today, published by Villard and ready for purchase RIGHT NOW!

The memoir is called "Never Tell Our Business to Strangers" and it is available at Amazon (Click HERE) in book form and a kindle version, and is in bookstores today. For more about it and about Jen, please visit her author website HERE.

Pickup a copy TODAY!

The Fallout

2010-02-21T13:09:00.002-05:00

I never really expected such a variety of reactions - and lack of reactions- from last week's blog post. I probably should have, but for some reason I thought I'd just put it all out there and that would be that.

That was NOT that. I put it out there, and people responded. In very VERY different ways. Some people told me to just get over it. Fair enough. Others made it into a competition of the my-life-is-worse-than-yours type, which I was definitely NOT expecting. Some even admitted to me that they couldn't react, which I attribute to two things. First - that it's hard to deal with someone's insecurities and Second - that some of the people in my life are unable to/unwilling to deal with a Sarah who is less-than-in-control. I'm always the one making other people happy, saving days - if you will - so it was hard for some of my village to deal with the fact that I opened up, that I was vulnerable, that I was - gasp - emotional.

For the most part, however, last week's post has created a resounding wave of support that has proven to be unimaginably helpful. I'm okay. No need to worry, I promise. But I'm not good/great/wonderful. I'm just okay. I am working on it. I am a work in progress - aren't we all? - and my progress right now is a little slower than usual.

BUT - I am working on it, and that's all I can do right now. I'm trying to be more proactive, having conversations to explore what's really wrong. I'm staying away from people who lack the ability to be supportive/handle an emotional me. I am driving hard - pushing ahead. I will do my best.

The funniest thing is, despite all of the support (for which I am INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL!), very few of you wonderful people had constructive ways to meet new people. My fellow singletons bemoaned their own fates, and all of my happy coupled had a hard time remembering what it was like or giving advice on how to get to where they are... And so, unlike last week where I asked you to not pity me or feel the need to comment/react, I am actively asking for advice...

So... tell me... where are all the single heterosexual men hiding in NYC? Don't you have any friends who would want to date ME? Do you have good advice to lend? I'm in the exploring my options phase once more and I am taking advice. You know where I am...

Crisis of Self Esteem

2010-02-12T15:34:00.004-05:00

A prologue to this blog post...

I don't want pity. I really don't. Please don't read this as a fishing-for-attention blog. The thing is, I like to process things by writing them down, here. On the blog. My personal journal. And this is what I've been suffering through inside of my own twisted head for the past several weeks and I need to put it out in the universe so I can get unblocked and start getting better. I also don't want anyone mentioned or hinted at to feel any negative emotions based on anything I write - these are MY emotions, MY interpretations, MY reactions - they're not yours and there's nothing rational about them and there's nothing YOU could have done differently to make this not happen.

And now, the blog...

I have been having a crisis of self-esteem the past several weeks. It's been pretty awful, I'm not going to lie. All around me, friends are getting paired off, people are moving, things are shifting and I'm feeling left behind and hurt and weak and worried. For the first time in my life, I feel really and truly alone even though I know I'm not. I have friends, I have family, but I don't have a singular person who I want to love entirely. I don't have a go-to person and the people I used to rely on are finding their own go-to people and leaving me behind. I don't have the hand to hold or the shoulder to cry on. I'm solo. No plus one for this gal...

I've never craved a relationship this badly in my life and it's set me on a downward path of crushing loss of self-esteem. Maybe I'm just unlovable in that way? Maybe I'm too fat? Maybe I'm not pretty enough? I stumble down the slippery slope of self-doubt. Thinking the worst possible things about myself as a way to make it even worse. What's that saying??? You are your own worst enemy? It's a saying for a reason... it's my truth right now.

I'm supposed to be this strong person.... I take risks, I work hard, I make tough choices and I follow through. I'm the girl who gave up the job, the smokes, the caffeine, the bad habits. I'm the one who's rigorously adhered to a low-cal high exercise plan for the past six weeks. I'm the girl who started my own business. I'm the girl who goes her own way.

I should be proud of all I've accomplished, and I am, don't get me wrong, but I'm feeling deeply the lack of love.

You see... my sister is getting married. My younger sister. When she called to tell me she and her boyfriend of six years were getting married, I was asleep. We've all assumed this was going to happen, they've been together for 6 years for goodness sakes, and they live together, so I didn't exactly jump up and down and squeal when she told me. I'm happy for her, truly, but it's not the most surprising news in the world. Unfortunately, my exhaustion and less-than-ecstatic reaction pissed her off (understandably so) and she hung up on me. I was devastated. I had let her down. I called my mother for advice on how to handle the situation, and I really truly wish I hadn't....

When I called my mother, she decided to lay this on me...

"You see, Sarah, she probably reacted that way because she already feels so badly about getting married while you don't have anyone. I mean, we're all worried that you'll never find someone."

Yeah. Ouch. It hurts even to type it. I bet it stings to read it... Imagine having to hear it. From your mother. On the night that your sister told you she was engaged. Quite the zinger, eh? And keep in mind it's coming from someone who has actively chosen to be alone for the past 15 years after she was left by the person who she thought loved her and she loved. And I know what you're going to say... she said it to keep me around, taking care of her, and you probably have a point there, but why she said it isn't what really matters to me, it's the fact that she said it at all. She said it and it ripped a hole in my heart and made me look at myself long and hard.

That moment set me rolling on down the hill from the top of I-love-myself mountain right into hate-yourself-ville.

I have tried to push it back/away/down. Tried to remind myself how totally kick-ass and awesome I am, but a little voice in the back of my head kept creeping up...

"If you're so kick-ass and awesome... why don't you have anyone?".

I pushed it down harder. I tried being proactive - emailing people from dating sites, from NY Mag's singles issue, I've asked several friends and even the aforementioned mother to help me find someone. I even threw it up on the blog and got zero - yes ZERO response from any of you. Talk about double ouch. I've tried convincing myself it's because I'm so self-assured and independent. I'm not the kind of girl who NEEDS someone so I don't send of that signal. I'm surrounded by gays and I never meet any straight guys... yeah, yeah, that's got to be it, right?!?! But it's not. I live in the biggest city ever. Filled with people. I feel profoundly alone.

After three days of classic self-pity wallowing (although not classic in the sense of self medicating unless you count my 100 calorie pack consupmtion that first night...) I decided to shift my focus and work harder on the self-doubt. I focused on the gym. The dance performance coming up. My volunteer time at NYCB. The business. The goddaughters. Even the impending wedding of the sister.

But nothing's helped so far. At the gym I feel like I'm not losing enough weight quickly enough. I doubt my performance before/during/after dance rehearsal and worry my head off about the pressure of performing as a dancer for the first time since my summers at Buck's Rock. I freak out about the business, knowing that I have nearly all of the pieces in place for the expansion but I keep dragging my heals. I try to spend more time with the goddaughters, but they're getting too old and awesome themselves to want to hang out with me --- and talk about a reminder of what I don't have in my life... just looking at their faces reminds me of the kids I don't have because I don't have someone. And then there's the wedding... where I'll be alone. And not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not happy enough. I don't want it. I just don't want it.

And suddenly, I find myself at the bottom of a self-esteem pit. Despair. Loneliness. Sadness. It's all here with me... keeping me company and I'm trying to claw my way out, I really am, but it's fucking HARD. In fact, I've never experienced anything harder because this time, THIS time, I don't have the luxury of people supporting me financially and emotionally the way they had when I was an adolescent and dealing with all of the challenges of my previous life. I have fewer and fewer friends who I feel comfortable being around, talking to, being honest with. More and more of them are focusing on themselves - and they SHOULD. I'm 30 years old... I should be able to handle all of this, and I'm trying to, I really am, but have I mentioned it's fucking hard?!!??!?!

So that's what's going on in my life. That' s why I'm avoiding you. That's why I really canceled our plans to go to Ikea. That's why I've rescheduled lunch so many times. That's why I'm pissed at you for choosing your boyfriend over me again and canceling our lunch despite knowing what's going on in my life. That's why I don't want to go to the theatre with you. That's why I'm not going to your dinner party. That's why I'm disconnecting. That's why I'm always "invisible" on g-chat. I am avoiding everyone and everything because I am exhausted. I am tired. I am overwhelmed.

And it's all because I am living inside myself, inside my brain, inside my body and inside my own crisis of self-esteem.

But I think that this is a step in the right direction, putting it out there. Being forthright and honest with you - whomever you are - necessitates my being honest with myself and that's one of the hardest part. Plus, I have a pretty damn fine track record with making life changes once they're out there in the universe (did I mention that despite all of this self-esteem nonsense I'm still holding fast to the eating/exercising)? Well, I am...

Who knows... maybe by being upfront and getting it out here and out there I'll let the universe know that I'm ready to meet someone. I WANT to meet someone. I'm ready. And if it doesn't happen, I'm ready for the work that lies out ahead of me... the work it will take to be comfortable with who I am regardless of whether or not I ever meet that special someone.

We shall see...

February Focus...

2010-02-06T08:31:00.002-05:00

With January having been so successful, I'm adding a new piece to my plate (punny!) and testing the dating waters again this month by doing two things.

1. Responding to an interesting personal ad I found on Time Out New York's website (they're doing a massive dating issue this week, which they always do around Valentine's Day).

2. Telling ALL of you- and anyone who will listen - that I am ready to date again. So, pull out your phones, open up your email accounts and start searching for non-damaged heterosexual males who would want to date someone as intelligent, funny, driven and fantastic as little old ME!

I know some of you might have a hard time finding non-damaged heterosexual males in your phone (Ahem, DSG!) but someone out there MUST have someone for me... right? right?

I thank you in advance for any nice guys you send my way :)

Digging Deep

2010-02-02T15:38:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, the motivation is harder to come by than others.

Last week, I stuck to my calories and went to my dance classes, but I didn't do much in the way of supplemental gym attending as I was too busy swirling in life cycle craziness and recovering from stomach flu.

Yesterday, I took the kickoff of February to get "back on the horse" in terms of the gym and headed to dance class to burn it off. This morning, I did 45 minutes of several kinds of cardio and some weight training. It took me a while to get off of the couch and into the gym, but I made it and felt proud of myself for being there and for doing all that I set out for myself. I only wish I had someone to kick my ass - but trainers are too expensive for me right now - I feel like I can only push myself so far. I need someone to scream at me and make me push harder than I push myself... Any takers out there? Anyone want to get out their aggression towards me by making me sweat and cry a la Biggest Loser?

Suffice it to say, I am exhausted now. Utterly beat. Totally tired.

But it felt amazing. On top of that, I know - thanks Lose It iPhone Application - that I have many MANY calories left today which is good news because I am off to a fancy dinner with Jen and although I won't be drinking or having dessert, it's nice to know that I can pretty much eat whatever I want for dinner.

I also thank the Lose It application for tracking my weight loss. Since the beginning of the year, I've dropped a bunch of weight already, and it's fun to update my progress and see the little line on the graph dip down as it records the losses.

Now I know - a month in - I have the calorie counting DOWN. I just need to pick up the pace at the gym. It's funny, the balancing act of it all. It's like as soon as I have one aspect nailed down, the other goes away. It shows just how difficult it is to keep all the balls in the air. But I love a challenge and I have several goals and milestones to work towards so it will be interesting to see what will happen....

Month 1

2010-01-31T09:49:00.002-05:00

Month 1 is over (well, nearly).

As you can tell from this past week - it's been an intense emotional roller coaster situation, but when I sat down this morning to reflect on January, I'm amazed at how far I've come in so little time.

I've become a master calorie tracker. Thanks to the Lose It application on my iPhone, I have been able to track what I've eaten and I've stayed under 1800 calories every. single. day.

I've had NO alcohol. I've had NO dessert. I've made it through a stomach flu and have made it back to the dance studio and back to the gym. I've lost more weight and I haven't felt deprived for a second.

I can keep this up, I know I can. If I can make it through this past week without acting out through food, I can surely make it through most other weeks!

So, month one is complete, now... on to month TWO!

Thanks for all of your support, both virtual and in person, I could NOT do it alone.

The Circle of Life

2010-01-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

This week isn't even over and already it's been filled to the brim with life cycle events and it's got me thinking...

Saturday, I watched Jake at his Bar Mitzvah. All self-assured and balanced and humble. Like no other 13 year-old I've ever seen. He took his place and was incredibly impressive and absolutely lovely. To think that he's already 13 and a "man", it's pretty striking.

On Tuesday, my neighbor Trudy passed away at 93 years-old. At Trudy's funeral, I was reminded of my Grandfather's life. A life well lived. Trudy had told everyone around her, myself included, that she was ready to go when it was her time. She had escaped from Germany after Kristallnacht, become a nurse in England during the war, and then come to New York for the bulk of her adult life. Trudy was always a smiling neighbor, and a neighbor ready to warn you that rollerskating down the marble hallway would inevitably end in injury (which it usually did). Towards the end of her life, Trudy was helped by the most amazing home health aide Denise who was kind and generous and offered Trudy a great safe space where she could feel comfortable enough to let go.

Trudy's funeral also got me thinking about how you can live 200 feet from someone your entire life and not know all too much about them. New York is different in this way. We all live so stacked up on eachother and yet, when you get right down to it, we're all very much alone.

With every death, however, come the new beginnings. My cousin Adam and his wife Jennifer are about to welcome their new baby girl into the world. And my sister is going to be a wife! Engagement occurred last night and she is over-the-moon. And with that, the sorrow gets brushed away for celebration and new beginnings.

Finally, another ending this week. I've never been a real pet lover, but there are always exceptions to the rule - and one of those exceptions has always been Stella. I've dog-sat for Stella since she was just a pup - rowdy and rambunctious. A lab with a heart of gold. Stella and I have spent many MANY nights and Augusts together on the couch, watching t.v., at the dog run, and in her home - both at 219 and now at 645. Stella is the first dog I've really loved and she's reached an age - and a health point - where it is time to say goodbye, and that is where I am headed right now. To say goodbye to my "old lady". But, as with Trudy and the baby and the engagement, I am sure that there will be a new puppy sometime soon in Stella's family. A puppy that won't ever truly replace her, but that will bring new life where there once was another.

Amazing.

2010-01-26T10:52:00.003-05:00

The past two days, I've been absorbed in the world of composer/lyricist/all around amazing guy Ryan Scott Oliver. Ryan is a tremendous talent and an incredible person and did I mention his talent?

After getting to attend the sitzprobe on Sunday and both shows at Joe's Pub last night, my head has been filled with his music and his brilliance and I want to share a bit with you (and, thanks to the super nerds of the musical theatre world who upload to YouTube as fast as they can, I can do just that)!

Enjoy!

Awareness

2010-01-21T13:49:00.002-05:00

One of the things I'm trying to work on, beyond the calorie counting, is paying attention to what my body is telling me.

When my right shoulder began to hurt last week, I slowed down the upper body weight lifting and got a massage. And, naturally, the pain went away.

Then, this Tuesday, I got hit by what I thought was food poisoning but I think now is actually a stomach virus, and I listened to my body. Rather than push through and head to the gym (which would've inevitably led to me collapsed on the floor of the gym), I slowed everything down.

I still worked for clients, but slowed down my pace.

I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday morning, and I'm okay with that. There's NO way I could have worked out.... I can barely keep myself awake and alert with the weakness and the hunger and nausea I've been battling.

Despite feeling sick, I also feel proud. Proud of myself for listening to my body. For slowing down. For remaining aware.

It's a really good sign of things to come...

Much Better, Thanks!

2010-01-14T11:00:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I was exceptionally low energy until around 6 PM. I drug my feet. I inhaled and exhaled deeply.

It was a combination of several million things, but the main things were...
- Too little sleep! (too many nights out...)
- Not enough food! (still adjusting to the new low-cal way of life)
- Such depressing world news (If you haven't donated yet, go HERE or HERE)

When I dragged myself into my goddaughter's house, I got a kick in the pants that I REALLY needed from my beloved K. And realized a few things...
- I HAVE to start sleeping my 8 hours per night again. If I know I'm getting home late the night before, I have to be courteous to myself and make sure I don't have a 6 o'clock gym thing the next morning. Without sleep, I have nothing.
- I need to eat more proteins and fats. With so few calories to ingest on a daily basis, I have to make sure that what I AM eating is slow to burn and keeping me feeling satiated and less hungry.
- I need to step away from the t.v. and get active and involved. I made donations and am trying to find out what else I can do to help.

Flash forward to this morning... After a dinner with Jenny FULL of healthy sushi protein, I woke up feeling less hungry than I have since this thing started. I was also fully rested as I forced myself to sleep at 9:30 last night and slept all the way til 6:30! Being up so early, I was able to have a snuggle and a little tv catchup before heading to the gym for a lovely swim.

I'll be honest, it was hard to roll off the couch at 8 and head to the pool, but once I was in the water, everything felt better. Plus there was a bonus... on the way out of the locker room, I weighed myself and things are looking GOOD! Can't give you exact numbers - don't want to jinx it - but I can feel my body and things are definitely changing.

I've actually started to personify my own body - if that makes any sense at all - and I think of it as a machine that is working on becoming more efficient and one of the ways it's doing that is by consuming stored fat to use as fuel. It feels that much more satisfying to be able to close my eyes and imagine the little fat cells being burned. Feels good!

And it all reminds me... that any quest has to always be taken ONE DAY AT A TIME.

And now, here I am, blogging for you all... and feeling MUCH BETTER, THANKS!

12 Days Later

2010-01-12T16:29:00.001-05:00

I am not gonna lie.

I'm HUNGRY.

This has been the first day where I've really felt how tired and stupid this low-calorie diet makes me feel. Take today... I've been with clients since 10 AM. Stopped at the gym to do cardio and some weights. Worked on my notes for docenting tonight at NYCB. Emailed a bazillion people.

AND I've only eaten about 750 calories so far - another 600 calories are in the oven right now warming up - but I'm feeling slow. And Hungry.

And I want a cookie.

The good news?

I'm not eating a cookie. I don't have a cookie. I won't buy a cookie.

Last night, at a family dinner in remembrance of my Grandfather's birthday, everyone else had dessert.

I didn't.

Everyone else drank.

I didn't.

Everyone else had bread.

I didn't.

I think part of my exhaustion/low energy today is because I'm working on my feelings of self-restriction last night. It takes SO much more energy to say NO than it does to say YES.

I forgot how hard this war is to fight.

BUT - I'm taking it battle by battle and I'm killing it. No mistakes. No exceptions. Just some overall bitchiness and exhaustion.

I CAN DO THIS.

I WILL DO THIS.

One Week In

2010-01-08T14:29:00.001-05:00

One week in and feeling pretty good, a little bitchy (now I know why all those skinny girls are so grumpy all the time), but - for the most part - pretty amazing.

1500 - 1700 calories a day is hard work. Lots of planning, lots of abstaining. But it's worth it.

I don't want to jinx it with specifics, but I've lost a few pounds already. In just one week.
Not "Biggest Loser" sized losses (which are totally unrealistic and unhealthy), but a good solid weight loss.

And it's been only 7 days.

The hard work is worth it.

No exceptions.

Thank you all for your support here, in person, emails... you name it. I appreciate it more than you can know.

BRING ON WEEK 2!!!

The Wagon is A Rollin'!

2010-01-04T13:30:00.002-05:00

Day four. Kicking ass. Taking names.

I'm not altogether that surprised that I've taken to ALL or NOTHING version 2.0 so easily. I'd been preparing myself mentally for it since early November, and then I ate my way through my favorite foods at the end of last year and made myself sick and depressed and sugar loaded.

No more.... No more!

Since Friday, I have managed to be completely on point with activity AND food intake. The best thing I've done for myself, if I do say so myself, is to boil it all down to two rules.

- No more than 1750 calories per day
- No less than 1 hour of activity a day

Those calories come from foods that are high in protein, lots of veg and fruit, and whole grains. NO alcohol. NO desserts. NO snacking

That exercise can be a dance class, the gym, swimming, running, weight training, cardio. ANYTHING that is off the couch and active.

So far, so GREAT.

I know what you're thinking... Be careful, Sarah, it's early yet. There are still many challenges ahead. And, you're right, but I'm already planning for said challenges.

Take Saturday night, I went to hear my friend Arthur play some of his amazing original songs. At the show, I didn't drink. After the show, we all headed to a bar and people ordered bar food full of fries and melted cheese and such. I had a seltzer. With lemon and lime. And I didn't feel deprived at all. In fact, I had an incredible time seltzer or not!

I'm also planning on the micro and macro levels. For the micro, I wake up in the morning and take a few minutes to plan out what I'm going to be eating when - and to try and figure out if there are going to be any possible areas for failure/challenge.

For the micro, you could use today as an example... ... I knew I was going to be hungry at my client's (the one whose housekeeper/nanny likes to bake decadent cakes and such) so I packed an apple and some sharp cheddar cheese and had it as soon as I arrived at my client's so I wouldn't be tempted by anything the aforementioned housekeeper made, and I wasn't. I also try and look at menus of places I am eating out at so if I'm headed out for a meal I can pre-plan what to eat and structure my day accordingly.

The macro is about planning for large and looming events. Like my darling Jake's Bar Mitzvah in a few weeks. Jake's mom has been a huge supporter of mine for years and years and she's already helped me out by showing me the menu (all appetizers and main food are delish and appropriate) and the desserts will be avoided. After all, I don't need another crumbs cupcake... I've had enough in December to last me through next year. Added bonus, Susie will be there, and I know she'll help me.

All this planning is helping me turn the time I usually spend obsessing about food into constructive time, not guilt tripping time, not beat-yourself-up time.

And, can't forget, I am still using my new slogan (stolen from Nick McC) "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"!

I'll keep you all updated on where things go from here.... Thanks for the support here, in person, in email and over the phone... It takes more than a village!

Hello Mr. Wagon, May I Climb Back On?

2010-01-02T09:28:00.002-05:00

And so it begins. A new year. A year of no exceptions. A year of business growth and Sarah shrinkage. Sounds vaguely familiar, no?

One day down, and I'm already feeling clearer headed and more honed in on what it is I really want. Best of all, I have a new slogan/motto to keep me going - stolen with all credit due- from my friend Nick attributed to his friend Blaine... "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

I'll be saying that every time the bread basket heads my way or the dessert menu rears its ugly head. I am determined to lose the last of the weight and, most importantly, to gain the rest of my health! So, Mr. Wagon - I'm climbing back on. Maybe for six months, maybe for a year, but until the last of the weight comes off, it's ALL or NOTHING and I'm excited to do it.

Realizing that it's been two years since this entire rebirth process has taken place made me think about how it seems I've begun a new cycle in my life - the cycle of twos. Two years and new steps get taken. I like it. I REALLY like it.

This year also means that I've successfully completed a two year cycle. And I must say, I am extremely proud of myself. I've spent two years cigarette free. I've spent two years free from caffeine. I've spent two years following my own directions and not some boss or some job. I've spent two years being active and taking pleasure in life.

And I will now spend two years doing all that and more. I'm looking forward to taking even better care of myself - physically and emotionally. I'm looking forward to growing my business and becoming more successful. I'm looking forward to laughter and love with friends and family. I'm looking forward to finding a partner in crime, someone who loves me and raises me up and challenges me on my bullshit and makes ME a better ME. I'm looking forward to spending more time surrounded by the arts, by music, by ballet, by theatre, by good books. I'm looking forward to spending time with all of the kids in my life, from teeny tiny little E to the girls, to Make and Jolly, to the Bubbies and to their unbelievably grown up brother! I'm looking forward to seeing more of the world and doing more good in my own life and in the lives of people I know and, more importantly, people I don't know.

BRING. IT. ON.

All or Nothing

2009-12-29T15:21:00.002-05:00

I am good at all or nothing. Black or white. In or out.

I am fantastic at giving things up for good.

I quit smoking almost exactly two years ago. FOR GOOD. No more "loopholes" no more "exceptions" I was done. For good. And I still am.

That same day, almost two years ago, I quit coffee and caffeine. FOR GOOD. No more vanilla lattes, no more diet coke. And I haven't looked back. Even the sheer idea of coffee freaks me out and no, I won't drink decaf damn it - stop asking me if I will! I gave it up. ALL of it.

Thirteen years ago, I gave up narcotics. Completely. FOR GOOD.

And, two years ago, I tried to give up sugar. And, for a while, I did. But it wasn't as successful as all of my other quitting had been. I made excuses... Food is part of family/holidays/celebrations, Food is part of life, Food is necessary to live, Food is social. Blah. Blah. Blah. After six months of really behaving myself - and losing a ton of weight - I stopped being so all or nothing and I started making exceptions.

Not terrible exceptions, mind you, but exceptions none the less. I didn't revert back to adolescent binging - or purging for that matter - but I started to say yes to a cupcake here, a glass of wine there, a bread basket, a dessert tray. And, over time, the exception became the norm again.

In September, I started to realize that things were not as good as they had been in early 2008 but when all the medical/family/health/financial/move/business expansion that was going on, I gave myself some slack. But as all those other pieces falling back in to place, it became clear to me that is was time to refocus and I started by looking at the bright side... I am incredibly lucky that I didn't gain any of the weight back, but, as the list of exceptions got longer, the weight loss slowed down and now I find myself at the 2 year marker of my total life reinvention. The day I stopped smoking. Put down the coffee. Quit the job. Got back into the gym. Started dancing. AND gave up the sugar. But the sugar has come back.

And so, in the past few months and especially the past few weeks I started investigating where the giving-it-all-up went wrong, and I've landed on an answer... an answer for ME, mind you, not an answer that is right for YOU or for ANYONE else, for that matter. AND an answer that you might think isn't right, but an answer that I feel satisfied with.

I've thought about how I have been able to stay smoke/caffeine free. And I thought back on the events leading up to my quitting. The sad state of my life. The job I hated. The heart I had broken. And I thought about the way I quit. EVERYTHING. On the same day. The smoking and coffee drinking that I did on December 31, 2007. I smoked half a pack of cigarettes that day and drank two triple vanilla lattes from Sbucks. I drank and smoked so much, I made myself sick. The headache that lasted several weeks that followed. Then the slow regaining of my sleeping pattern, my ability to climb stairs without getting out of breath, my lack of diagnosis of strep throat - something I was chronically suffering from. Those feelings have stayed with me, especially the feeling of reaching a really abysmal bottom where I felt disgusted with myself and my life choices.

I also started thinking about what I HAVE accomplished on the weight front, as a way to try not to be so damned disappointed in myself. I lost almost 70 pounds. I went from a size 26 to a now 16/18 depending on the outfit and store. I have maintained that weight loss for the past two years, in a large part due to my significantly higher level of activity, and due in a smaller part to periods of keeping my eating in check. Particularly the first six months of 2008 when I abstained from almost all sugar, alcohol, simple carbs and desserts.

Despite my accomplishments, however, I still want to lose more weight and to do that, I have decided that I need to go ALL or NOTHING again when it comes to food. And I need to get back into a steady 6 day a week gym habit - even if it's to do 30 minutes of light cardio - I have to find time in my ever filling schedule, even if that means waking up earlier, staying up later, or spending a little less time with friends.

In preparation for the new stage of abstaining, I have spent the past few weeks , saying a personal (read gluttonous) goodbye to the exceptions that were becoming a little too frequent in the landscape of my consumption. A way, if you will, to find a bottom that I can remember. A point of indulgence that I never want to see again and - this morning - I found it as I had a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast, something I haven't done in YEARS but reminded me of all the years of binging, secret eating, gluttony and shame. And so, I am using the next 48 hours as a final time to say goodbye to the exceptions. I may see them again some day, in a controlled manner, but for the next six months, they have GOT TO GO.

Goodbye cannolli. Goodbye black and white cookie. Goodbye white flour pizza with pepperoni. Goodbye popovers (shed a tear on that one, folks!). Goodbye desserts. Goodbye breadbaskets.

It's time for ALL OR NOTHING version 2.0.

So, friends, starting this illustrious January 1st - of our next decade - no more meals out. Or, if we do, watch as I order a salad or the chicken breast or some other sensible choice. NO more saying yes to dessert or wine when you're with me. And tell the waiter we don't need the bread basket because I might not have the wherewithal to say NO. I will try to, damn it, I will try to. And I will try every single time... But you can yell at me if you think I'm not trying hard enough, I officially give you permission.

Because, if there's one thing I know, it's that Me + All or Nothing = A good chance at success. But when I have support, like I've had for the past two years and all the years before that, the chance of success gets better and better! And that's why I have chosen to share all of this with you today.

Because that's what I want for 2010. Success.

Blahg

2009-12-21T10:06:00.002-05:00

Recently, I've been feel really BLAH about this Blahg. Get it??? Blog - Blahg? I'm so funny.

I think the blah comes from a lack of change, inspiration and lack of time to really get down to what's truly going on within me and around me. So, it's about time I turned this Blahg back into a Blog... I think the easiest way to start doing that is to explore the reasons it's turned into a Blahg in the first place.

The time - family is here. Blissful. Amazing. Super time consuming. I love love LOVE having the nephews and siblings in town, but I appear to have lost all track of time. Truly. What day is it? Where am I? Why am I still wearing my pajamas at 10 o'clock in the morning? It's wonderful getting swept away in the cuteness overload, but it leaves me feeling like I'm neglecting my own life. The upside? I'm neglecting the bad parts of my own life. The downside? I'm neglecting my own life!

The inspiration & The change - late December can drag a man down (ten points if you know what song that's from). I feel incredibly uninspired this time of the year. The build up to the new year, new changes, new steps is always a stressful time for everyone. Unlike most people, however, my stress is not because of external factors (holiday, family, work), my stress is entirely internal. I stress about what's next. I stress about what's happened. I stress about how it's all going to unfold in the new year.

I stress about change.

I obsess about change.

Ever since the epic reconstruction of my life, my work, my health and everything else nearly two years ago, I've become obsessed with changing. And I think that's a key contributor to the BLAHG atmosphere. I think the main reason I've been avoiding the blog is that I've been avoiding looking back and planning for the future.

I will avoid it no longer, in fact, I've just finished looking at my resolutions for 2009 and I must say, I'm both impressed and disappointed. I'm impressed with the fact that I managed to grow the business substantially, that I was able to have an incredible 30th birthday, I traveled, I listened to my heart, I was more social. I stayed active, I kept the weight off, I didn't smoke (HUZZAH!) and I didn't have coffee (HOORAY!).

I would say I accomplished 80% of my 2009 resolutions. Not too shabby. A solid B. But, the problem with the way that I think is that what a solid B means is that I didn't get an A. I didn't accomplish 20% and that's what's weighing on my mind as we head into the next year, the next phase, the next step.

And so, I am only going to focus on that 20% for the upcoming year. I'll continue along with the 80% by keeping up the business, the abstaining from negatives, the pushing forward, but I'm not going to create any other big resolutions.

This year, I am going to reach the next level of physical health, I am going to continue to grow the business and I'm going to work harder to find that special someone.

That's it. Those three. That's it. Except maybe with a sprinkling of DON'T BE SO DAMN HARD ON YOURSELF. That would be good of me...

And I'll try and diminish the BLAH of the blog. But no promises there, life keeps getting in the way and I prefer living life to blogging it after all.

The Saga of the Shakespeare Foot

2009-12-13T10:59:00.000-05:00

Several weeks ago, I organized and managed the painting of my bedroom at my childhood home. Part of this project required me to shift all the things on my shelves from the bedroom to the living room to leave the furniture emptied for the painters' sake.

I plowed through the project as best I could. Picking up odds and ends and moving them out. Stacking up the DVDs and throwing away empty boxes. Sorting through books to make a keep and donate pile.

During the book sort, I came across my theatre books - some of my prize possessions - and decided to highlight them more in the room once painting was over. As such, they became the last pieces to move out of the room. And so, I began, to pick them up in small piles and transport them down the hallway to the living room. On my final trip down the hallway, I lost my grip. The last pile of books began to slip and I struggled to keep them in my hands. Unfortunately, the bottom book got away. More unfortunately, the bottom book was a doozie. The complete - and I do mean COMPLETE - works of William Shakespeare.

This is no small book, and when it slammed into the top of my left foot, I knew I was in for some discomfort. Nothing was broken, but it was seriously sore.

Fast forward two days to my first day in the gym post foot injury.

I headed to dance class - where Ryan had prepared a super fun routine to a new Shoshanah Bean's new song - and I didn't pay attention to my foot. I probably should have, but I was enjoying class too much. When I left, my foot still hurt, but it wasn't unmanageable.

Fast forward two more days. I'm hanging out with the goddaughters and the younger one dropped a massive and heavy plastic tray directly on top of my foot. THAT foot. I screamed out "God DAMN it" which was met with gasps from the girls and a quick reprimand (from an 8 and 10 year old, mind you) of ... "LANGUAGE, NAN NAN!". I was caught cursing (or at least what's considered cursing to the elementary school set).

A week later, I twist my left ankle as I'm putting on my boot. My left boot.

That was this past Friday, and I can only hope that it marks the last and final injury to what I am now endearingly calling "my Shakespeare foot".

Random Musings - Winter Holiday Edition

2009-12-11T18:11:00.003-05:00

It's really freaking cold outside. But I, happily, am inside for the evening and during the end tying and pile straightening that lies ahead of me, I thought I'd drum up a fabulous edition of Random Musings - Winter/Holiday edition!!!

After completing three separate clients' holiday cards this week, I have made an executive decision: I will NEVER send out a holiday card - even if (someday) I have really adorable children. It's so much work for such little reward. I know that many people enjoy the realities of opening up the mail and seeing the smiling faces looking back at them - and what's not to like - but it's a heck of a lot of work for that 10 seconds of joy. Perhaps I shouldn't say never. Maybe someday I'll do holiday cards - but I'll send an excel spreadsheet to a calligrapher or someone and make them do all the work. ALL the work. I've got crazy paper cuts and carpel tunnel syndrome!

I tend to tip delivery guys MUCH more when the weather is this cold or just crappy in general. I don't think I'm the only one that does this... am I?

The holidays just don't feel the same when you have no kids around. Take tonight, I'm alone in an apartment, eating Thai food, watching "The Wrestler" and blogging while doing laundry. The days of dreidel spinning and latkes are long gone and it's kind of a bummer. My only real religious identity comes from tradition - being an agnostic and all - and without the holidays I feel like a man without an island. My sister-in-law posted an insightful and expressive blog entry today about her own struggle to establish religious identity- in her case in a multi-religious family with young kids - and I totally identify with the wanting-to-feel-warm-and-fuzzy and traditionally connected aspect. I also miss the food. And the presents. Who doesn't like getting presents?

I guess I got a present of sorts last month when I was in Ohio visiting the aforementioned sister-in-law plus brother and the cutest nephews in the WORLD when I was given his Playstation 2. I get to guitar hero whenever I want tonight - which is pretty killer!

Speaking of killer - I've been over-using the word a LOT recently. I've also been overusing the word "EPIC" which drives my sister particularly crazy. I get into rutts sometimes with catchphrases and "KILLER" and "EPIC" are in heavy rotation right now. Slowly but surely, they're edging out "BELIEVE IT"...

One holiday tradition was NOT neglected this year. The goddaughters and I took in NYCBallet's The Nutcracker last night along with their parents, and their best friends' and parents. What an amazing night! The dancers were really "on" and we had our annual backstage tour with a twist... This year, in my new role as "Docent", I got to lead the tour. It was envigorating to be able to share my knowledge with the girls and all the parents and it was even more fun because some of my friends in the company hung around after curtain call and took photos with the girls! SCORE!

Being back at the theatre made me excited for the upcoming Winter season and the performances, rehearsals and talks I will be taking part of. Very exciting stuff on the way!

There's a lot of "looking forward" going on right now, as is usually the case this time of year... and with looking forward, there's always some looking backward. Can you believe that this blog is 2 years old? That I gave notice at the soul-saddening-job 2 years ago? That it's been almost two years since I started losing the weight? That I haven't had a cigarette or caffeine in almost TWO YEARS? It's unbelievable - it's ridiculous. It feels like yesterday and forever ago.

I bought the two soundtrack CDs to GLEE this past week and they've been in extreme heavy rotation since I downloaded them. There's something SO cheesy and yet SO fantastic about them - and I always feel extremely proud of Broadway folks when they go mainstream so there's that added benefit too. Currently most obsessed with the Cheno duets, even though I usually despise her. There's something amazing about her singing Heart's "Alone". It's tremendous.

I sung "Alone" at the top of my voice last weekend as Dan and I parted with some of our mutual belongings in a killer (see, there, I did it again!) apartment sale. I can't believe we're leaving that apartment. I mean, I CAN, it was never going to be a permanent situation (THANKS, NYC rental laws), but the fact that it's already over is pretty remarkable. The good news is that we'll only be two blocks apart again, and that we'll both be saving money, and saving face, while gearing up for the next stages of our respective lives...

Speaking of... I've filed all the paperwork for the business expansion and it's looking good. Expensive, but good. LLC filing, advertisements, new website, legal fees, it's all starting to add up and it's not going to be cheap, but it's certainly going to be worth it. At the rate I'm going, I should have all the pieces in place to begin expanding and hiring in the second quarter of 2010. A LOT of work has to be done by then, but once it's done, I'll never have to do it again.

I've been reading the Sookie Stackhouse books the past few weeks, the books that "True Blood" on HBO is based on, and I've been loving them. They're totally trashy, but thoroughly enjoyable. They're SO trashy, in fact, that sometimes I'll straight up blush when reading them. While on the subway recently, I read a particularly racy passage and covered my face (while putting the book in my lap - didn't want anyone to see the smut I was reading)!

Did I tell you the story of my Shakespeare foot? It's a good one. Remind me to do a blog entry about it tomorrow!

I've been having run-ins as of late with really spicy food. I had an AMAZING lunch at Fatty Crab and learned just what they mean when they say "spicy", and tonight, whilst typing this, I am burning my mouth and throat with a spicy beef salad from the Thai place around the corner. It's delicious - which is why I keep eating it - but it's DEADLY!

Now that I am 100% back home, I'm starting to remember why I love and hate living here. I LOVE feeling so comfortable and being so close to everything I need, and I hate not being the boss. I know that, for now, it's the only option - and I'm LUCKY to have it - but I'm looking forward none-the-less to the day when I have my next life in a corner of the world that is entirely and wholly MINE.

BBC America is my favorite place to watch talk shows. Friday Nights with Jonathan Ross and Graham Norton are both broadcast less than a week after their British airings now (it used to be an almost month-long delay). They're so witty and self-depracating. I just LOVE them. It does make me sad, though, because it reminds me of the summers I've spent in England and of the fact that I won't be going to England THIS summer, but then I remember that a piece of England (well, India via England via California) will be coming to ME and I feel MUCH better.

At the end of this month, I will have tried internet dating for another three month period. And not just passively trying. Every morning, like a dutiful young woman, I log on to two different sites and see who I've been matched with. I use very un-picky standards when eliminating or pursuing these "matches" and yet - no luck. I've had friends and family look at my profiles and sign off on my creativity and attractiveness and yet - no luck. SO, I'm quitting online dating again at the end of the year and am going to try something else. Some other way to meet single heterosexual men. Does anyone have any killer *Ack!* ideas about this one? Any advice would be welcome...

And finally, if I may, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy Holiday. Whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Solstice, Kwanzaa or nothing at all (Hello, Thai food and laundry much?) I hope that it is enjoyable and that you get the chance to experience some true and wonderful warm-fuzzies with people you love.

BELIVE IT!

Looking Forward...

2009-12-06T17:57:00.001-05:00

The new year is only a few weeks away and I'm already starting to think about what my resolutions were for last year, and how I did with them, as well as what my new 2010 resolutions are going to be.

So far, I'm thinking that next year is going to be like this year except with a step UP in intensity and with (hopefully) NO medical/dental/housing catastrophes!

More work on the business - expansion time!
More work on my outsides - detox come January 1 and hitting the gym harder & smarter than ever.
More work on my relationships - finding time to be with friends and family while meeting new people and hopefully a wonderful and adorable man to be in a relationship with.

That's probably the main three things - the three things that most of us, if not all of us, will strive for this year. Health, success and love. It's pretty simple and pretty challenging. Let's see where things go... But first, the next few weeks lie ahead - full of work, packing, moving, celebrating, nephew snuggling and more. I'll try and make sure to keep you all updated too. Let's get to 2010 already, shall we?!?!?

Another Dream Remembered....

2009-12-01T07:42:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I had a dream. I know I had the dream because when I looked at my iPhone later in the day, I saw a note that I had composed whilst semi-conscious and it's a weird one!

Here's what it looked like on my iPhone:
Nutcracker
Vampires
German
Opera
J Peck
1st Ring - State Theatre
Noah
Blake
Lin
Nick
Raul
Climbing Over Seats
Neck Puncture
Vampires

Here's what it means: As best as I can piece together from my notes and my recollections of the dream, I was in the Koch (State) theatre of Lincoln Center, home of the NYC Ballet and NYC Opera. I was there to see The Nutcracker. But not the Balanchine Nutcracker that I see every year with the fabulous goddaughters. THIS Nutcracker was an Opera - with ballet, danced by several members of NYCB including J. Peck in full on Mother Ginger regalia (the only specific dancer I can recall - weird!) - but an Opera none the less. Oh, and it was in German. And it starred several of my Broadway friends. And they were all playing the roles of vampires. VAMPIRES in the NUTCRACKER!

The production itself looked like a hybrid of the Act II land of sweets set of The Nutcracker and the Don Giovanni modern/angular set of NYCO's new season. The opera was incredibly intense (as most German operas are). I was in the audience. In the front row of the first ring, in Lincoln Kirstein's/the President's seat (naturally) and thoroughly enjoying myself when everything started to change...

Suddenly, the "vampires" on stage turned into ACTUAL vampires and began filing/floating off the stage into the house and biting audience members. All of the actors (now vampires) started climbing up the walls of the theatre and one of them BIT ME. ON THE NECK! Sadly, I'm unsure of which of my actor-turned-vampire friends it was, which is a real bummer because it'd be great to be able to tell that person it was them. I started to bleed from the puncture wounds on my neck. Fading fast.

And then I woke up...

Here's what I've learned: Reading Sookie Stackhouse books while falling asleep the night after seeing the Twilight movie whilst being surrounded by Nutcracker music and immersing myself in multiple biographies of George Balanchine and the history of New York City Ballet compounded by the number of Broadway people in my life and business and the late night reading of Facebook statuses will result in seriously SERIOUSLY odd dreams. Also, that keeping the iPhone within arms reach while sleeping is the only way I'll ever remember these demented dreams and I will, therefore, be sleeping near my phone forever!

Dreams like these can NOT be missed!!!

Jumpsuits, Balloons and Turkey, Oh My!

2009-11-27T09:14:00.007-05:00

Where am I? What's happening?

Oh, yes. Today is the first day that I've had the ability to unplug and look around and one of the first things I realized is that I've been grossly neglecting my blog!

So, here I am. Fully rested - and ready to share with YOU - after an insane Thanksgiving that began at 5 AM yesterday when Susie and I woke up, shoveled some breakfast down our throats and headed to the New Yorker hotel to lineup on 35th Street and gain entry to the costuming suites for... the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Having lived my entire life three blocks from the parade's starting point - and having watched it live several times as a kid - the Thanksgiving Day Parade has always been a fun part of our holiday morning. Susie and I had always joked that we'd wanted to participate and then, this year, I found out that I knew someone who could make that "dream" a reality, my friend Jill, who has worked on the parade for the past 18 years as a "balloon captain". Susie and I applied to be balloon handlers and we found out in September that we were official and, a few weeks later, that we would be on one of the new balloons - Ronald McDonald. We both decided we'd rep the good deeds of the folks at the Ronald McDonald house instead of their artery clogging, obesity perpetuating food stuffs.

So, with Jill's sponsorship *they literally list her as our "sponsor"* we found ourselves on 35th street at 5:30 in the morning, Susie - used to early morning wakeup being a teacher - was ready to go, Me... not so much. But as other participants started filing out of the hotel to get on the coach buses that would drive us back uptown to the parade's kickoff on the Upper West Side, I started to get excited. There were clowns, and rollerbladers, and there was the fun of spotting the outfits of balloon handlers - all outfitted in jumpsuits with pinnies to match their balloon. We had already known we were most likely destined for yellow or red (or both) so I was particularly jealous of the Horton Hears a Who handlers who got to wear a sliming dark grey jumpsuit with a pink and purple pinnie. Jealous.

Early morning pirate clowns on 35th street

After waiting outside for an hour or so, we made it to the costuming floors and - after commandering the men's room to take a last-pee-before-parade break - we got our jumpsuits. Our bright yellow jumpsuit. They were meticulously organized by balloon and by handler with tags on our stuff and bags on hangers with our accessories - a glamorous red knit hat and really ugly brown gloves. We put them on. Mine fit well. A little too well. It was nearly slutty-tight. Susie's was huge. And the crotch on hers drooped about a foot lower than necessary, and the legs were too long, and the arms. But we suited up and headed out. But first, we broke some rules. You see, I had been led to believe that there was going to be coffee - which Susie needed. There was none AND we weren't allowed (technically) to eat or drink in our jumpsuits, but a cafeine headache was looming so, Susie headed to Starbuck's - too busy - and then - in a moment of poetry - wound up in her McD's jumpsuit in McD's to get a coffee. We boarded the coach bus and headed back to the UWS while Susie drank her coffee and I tried to wrap my head around it all.

When we got to 80th and Columbus, we headed first to a deli to get me some Tic Tacs and then to our balloon. We found Ronald on 77th between Columbus and CPW and he was weighed down by sand bags and a huge white net. We signed in with one of our balloon captains and took a moment on one of the AMNH's benches to rest up before the big walk.

Ronald in captivity - as we found him when we arrived.

Slowly, but surely, we watched teams of Pilots and Captains and Handlers free the balloons that were closer to CPW. First Abby Cadabby, then Shrek, then US! When they called for us to take our places, Susie and I jumped to Ronald's head. They began to take the net off and we were both a little freaked at how much pressure there was on our handling "bones" which our "lines" were attached to... Ronald was heavy! Seriously big! Major work!

Ronald released from captivity!

Just when I started freaking out, I was relieved of my position from Ronald's head and put under his left elbow. But I got separated from my sister!!! The panic of separation lasted only a minute because they also moved Susie off the head and we were reunited on our shared line. We felt the energy rising as parade "step off" came closer and closer, and then-after a review of procedure and handling technique- we were walking. Halfway down the block, we were stopped for a bit and taught a "cheer" that we were to chant three times over when we were stopped on the parade route.

We've got burgers
We've got fries
We've got Ronald
Supersized

Oy. Vey. But we were signed up for the task, the good -the bad- and the ugly, so cheer we did.

After being officially invited to "join the parade" by the parade announcer, we turned on to CPW and the fun began. By an ambush. From Al Roker. Suddenly, we were on live tv. Saying hi to Susie's school (Hooray PS 212!) and acting like a total tool (Hooray ME!). The thrill of being caught out in all of our yellow glory was enough to energize our walk down CPW.

As we passed building after building of the intensely wealthy - and did some amature start sightings whilst trooping downtown - we came up to the girls' school and, low and behold, we spotted two of their best friends and their parents in the school window. And they saw US! We laughed and waved and shouted. It was SO cool to be spotted by people that we knew!

Photo of us working our way down CPW from Ethical Culture's windows!

The parade was a wonderful experience, down CPW, left on CPS, right on 7th, left on 42nd, right on 6th, left on 34th, right on 7th. We saw thousands of people, children, grownups, enthused, disgruntled, energized, you name it. The weather was perfect. No wind. No cold. We both actually started to overheat midway through the parade - thanks to our hats and gloves - but we had a total and complete blast. There were many moments of steering, raising and lowering the balloon, and many shout outs from the crowd - they cheered for us, and taunted us to let our balloon go. It was an EPIC experience.

Ronald in flight, mid-parade.

Some of my favorite moments were seeing the Times Square cleanup teams poised at the side of the parade, walking past the M & M store - packed with spectators - dancing along to the sassy marching band that followed behind us, and Susie finally making it to Bryant Park (*Project Runway reference*). But what made me laught the most was being with Susie and sharing the experience with her - especially when she pulled out her alternate balloon cheer.

We've got burgers
We've got fries
Heart diseases in disguise

Brilliant. As we wound our way past Macy's, our balloon began to leak rainwater from the previous night - totally gross - and we headed to deflation. Deflation was an amazing thing to watch. We wound our lines in and then volunteers (including Susie - yay!) unzipped many air holes on the balloons and then we had to stomp and squish and lay down on the balloon as the tons and tons of helium escaped - so much that you could see it in the air. Then the balloon was folded in on itself and rolled up - think deflating a giant aerobed. By the end, our massive balloon fit in a hotel laundry basket and was rolled to storage.

Deflating the balloon

We made our way back to the hotel to return our sassy jumpsuits and got our commemorative pin. We headed to the subway and when we'd sat down, realized we'd been up and out for almost 7 hours already. Exhausting!

But the experience did NOT end there. There were all the emails, messages, FB notes, tweets, texts, calls to respond to from everyone who'd seen us on TV! Then there were pictures to post, and videos to make. Tables to set, showers to take. And then, suddenly, it was 4 already and time to eat.

*INSERT DELICIOUS MEAL HERE*

Fast forward to 8:30 PM. When I fell asleep...And slept for 10 hours.

What an amazing experience. Thanks to everyone who got in touch with me and Susie yesterday - we hope your Thanksgivings were awesome and I'm extremely happy we got to play a tiny part in your celebrations!

Now... the question is... do we do it again next year? Can we possibly beat the amazing weather? The lack of wind? The Al Roker ambush? We shall see...

Big Business

2009-11-18T19:41:00.002-05:00

This week has been all about the business, and it's growth.

Meetings with business advisors. Conversations with lawyers. Web designers.

VERY exciting stuff in the works...

All that AND a current client bumped up my fee by over 10% with just a casual mention on my part.

VERY exciting....

More soon!

13 Years Later... November 16, Bat Mitzvah Edition

2009-11-16T05:48:00.000-05:00

It's been 13 years.
Two of my favorite people in the world, Susie and Dan, say it's my Bat Mitzvah.
I think that's pretty damn funny.
So I'm going with it....

______________________________________
Today is my Bat Mitzvah.

The 13th year of the anniversary of my long car ride to Four Winds Hospital.
The 13th year of the anniversary of my end of a several year relationship with narcotics.
The 13th year of the anniversary of my dying twice and being brought back to life.
The 13th year of the anniversary of my second chance.

My second chance at life.
My second chance for love.
My second chance to have family.
My second chance to find happiness.

Life, I have.
Love, I have.
Family, I have.
Happiness, I have.

It took work.
It took pain.
It took humiliation.
It took dedication.

It still takes work.
It still shapes who I was.
It still shapes who I am.
It still shapes who I will be.

I am proud of myself on this day, and on every day.
Proud to have stopped being self destructive.
Proud to have stopped being self loathing.
Proud to have built my self esteem and self worth.
Proud to have the family and relationships I have.
Proud to have lived a narcotics free life for 13 years.
Proud to be free of the burden of addiction.
Proud to have gone through it all.

I will never forget.
What got me to such a low place.
What that low place felt like.
What it felt like in rehab, among people whose addiction had ruined their lives.
The dread. The deceit. The danger. The destruction.

I will never forget.

The people who stood up for me and stood up WITH me.
The people who made me realize life was worth living.
The people who love me.
The people who I love.

I am thankful.
I am grateful.
I am full of love.
I am full of life.
I am free.
_____________________________________
*I just re-read my November 16 post from last year on here: http://allwillknow.blogspot.com/2008/11/twelve-years.html. I invite you to read it. I think it's interesting to see what I wrote on the anniversary last year, and it also allowed me to notice that Kerry's comment brought up the Bat Mitzvah too! Kerry - you're so CLEVER!

Minimize

2009-11-12T14:02:00.002-05:00

Minimizing. Purging. Reducing.

I LOVE to get rid of things, my own things, my friends' things, my family's things, my clients' things. This week has provided me with a profound new way to get rid of things. I have made a decision, you see, a decision that has led me to rid myself of many things... I have decided I don't want to hang on to books anymore. Not unless they mean A LOT to me.

That decision, coupled with the need to empty all of my bookshelves at my Mom's apartment in prep for a painting project and my reestablishing myself at her apartment, MY HOME, has led me to reduce my book collection by almost 90%. I will be donating the books to Housing Works bookshops, unless any of YOU want to come by and go shopping through them first ;).

I LOVE getting rid of things!

Interesting Point...

2009-11-09T13:23:00.001-05:00

As the two year anniversary of starting this blog, and changing my life, starts to draw closer, I've started thinking about how I want to blog moving forward, and how my blogging process has changed over those 104 weeks...

This weekend, while visiting my adorable nephews, my sister-in-law and I had a conversation about blogging and I had a bit of an awakening. You see, when I started the blog, I had no idea what it was going to be - which is pretty clear to those of you who've been following it, and any of you who've read the archives. I was a journaling, emotional person. I was an arts and culture critic. An advocate for New York. I was all over the place, but enjoying it, and I stuck to my initial conviction of blogging every day for nearly all of the first year. But then, life got in the way...

The business grew. My interactions as a professional and volunteer in the arts made me limit (if not totally eliminate) my posts of arts and culture. Then, I stopped trying to be topical. I just focused on me - my struggles, my likes, my dislikes - and that's what you read now. A personal journal - public, yes, but still personal. I'm glad that through all of my scattered postings you all have stuck with me and I promise that there is a lot more to come...

Random Musings - Halloween Edition!

2009-10-31T08:18:00.003-04:00

Happy Halloween dear folks! I can't believe October is already ending. That means there are only two months left in this year, which is - frankly - a bit shocking!

So here, for your amusement, is the Halloween edition of "Random Musings"....

In case you didn't know - there are new episodes of my two favorite English chat shows airing on Friday and Saturday nights on BBCAmerica. Try and catch Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross. You'll thank me.

I've been back to the gym and to dance class this week. Sore doesn't even begin to describe my physical state today. I forgot what it feels like to start working out after a long break since I haven't taken one in so many months. The good news? It feels great to be back. The frustrating news? I have to take it slowly. The exciting news? I didn't gain ANY weight during my three weeks of not working out (phew!!!).

The pitch-blackness outside this morning was astonishing at 7 AM, with the clocks changing tomorrow it means that 8 AM will look like that tomorrow. YUCK!

I have just finished reading Unaccustomed Earth - Jhumpa Lahiri's newest book of short stories - I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you're looking for something to read whilst traveling!

I've nearly packed up the uptown apartment. I am going to desperately miss living a wall away from Dan, but it makes so much sense logistically and financially to return to living with mom full time for the beginning of 2010.

I don't really look forward to Halloween when the goddaughters are out of town - they're really the only fun part of it for me. I sort of dread it, to be honest... I think it's because, for those without kids around, it's just about being drunk and stupid and I'm not a big enthusiast of either of those things! Someday, however, I'm sure my enthusiasm will be reborn when I have kids of my own and get to dress them up in ridiculously adorable outfits... Which I will TOTALLY do!

The internet dating continues - and MAN - it is an intensely messed up reality. Just yesterday, for example, Chemistry.com suggested that I was a fantastic match with my best friends former boyfriend who was emotionally abusive and comes from a fantastically messed up family. Seriously! What the hell! Are there no eligible straight men left in New York?!??!

I have made it to Halloween with only having a few pieces of candy corn (congragulatorily patting myself on the back as I type this). I can't believe there was ever a time in my life that I ate big bunches of it.

I am bummed that it looks like big international trips are off the list for this coming year (thanks, medical/dental bills) but I'm extremely excited for my small trip this coming weekend, to central Ohio. When I get there, I get to see my adorable nephews, hang out with my brother and sister-in-law AND see my beloved Kerry! (And maybe some Amish people).

If you haven't already, download the Twelfth Night album from this summer's Public Theatre proudction this last summer from iTunes. You'll thank me, especially when you listen to David Pittu, Raul Esparza and Anne Hathaway sing "Come Away Death". If it doesn't give you goose bumps and/or make you tear up, there's something wrong with you.

I'm looking extremely forward to the Marathon tomorrow and watching Owen run his way through the five boroughs. Run, Owen, Run!

Every once in a while, I pickup a People magazine when I'm at the drug store, or a train station or an airport. I find it so embarassing and satisfying at the same time. There's something comforting about People. Maybe it's because it reminds me of my Grandmother for some reason.

I am extremely disappointed in the cinematic offerings this fall. I've only wanted to go to two movies "The Informant" and "Where the Wild Things Are" (which I liked for totally different reasons) but that's it!

I need to go get started on my baking/tidying projects for today - and I have to visit my crazy great aunt and do some client work, so that's all for now.

Happy Halloween!

Relief

2009-10-28T22:21:00.003-04:00

Went to the doctor last night and, after a ridiculous 12 hour delay due to lost samples... I received the amazing news that....

I AM ALL HEALTHY AGAIN! No residual realities in my lady bits... How great is THAT?

Best of all, it's finally okay for me to go back to the gym - which I will do in less than 12 hours- and although incredibly excited, I am actually also a bit terrified. It's been 3 weeks since I've been and I'm convinced I'm completely out of shape and am scared that I am going to push it too hard.

Luckily, I have an amazing trainer and he's promised to not take it too easy but to take it safe and sound.

Thank you all for your support, love, help, advice, humor and everything else over the past few weeks, I can never truly express how much it all meant to me. I am an incredibly lucky girl.

Double Take

2009-10-20T20:56:00.001-04:00

This morning, I stopped by my mom's apartment for some mail and as I walked past the mirror in the bathroom, I had a PROFOUND moment of "double take". I saw 14 year old Sarah in the mirror.

My hair... down, long, and wavy - not curly - a state it only reached post puberty.
My shirt... flannel. Plaid's back, did you hear?
My weight... identical to my weight freshman year, before the insanity really ramped up.

It was an intense and beautiful moment.

To see that so much younger/naive/optimistic self and to realize that she's still in there.
She's louder and more prominent than she's been at any point during the past 16 years.
She's rooting for me and I'm going to continue to make her proud.

Recovery

2009-10-15T08:34:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was all about recovery - and a little work - but mostly recovery.

Talked to the dentist and he's sure we can "work out a payment plan". Whatever THAT means. The pain from the surgery went from an 8 to a 6 (hooray!). I got to see the goddaughters and that made everything better (as it always does).

I also did some reflecting on how lucky I am that we have snazzy machines that can look inside our bodies and see what's going on. This whole things was an ordeal, but it wasn't the end of the world, it was a good step in the right direction - the direction I've been moving in for the past almost 2 years - the direction of health.

So, it was all worth it. All the fear, anxiety, annoyance, and pain. All worth it. And that's life, after all, you can't predict anything ever, but you can be happy when things get taken care of. So, I'm happy. Sore, but happy.

Thanks for all the amazing support. Y'all are something fierce!

Full Disclosure

2009-10-13T16:50:00.003-04:00

*WARNING TO MY DEAR BLOG READERS...

This is a heavy blog entry with a lot of personal reveals - some of them biological (*ICK*). if you don't want to know, don't read, you can just skip to the bottom of this post or the previous post to watch me sing songs from Next to Normal and In The Heights in a bathroom if you'd rather something light and fluffy*

Begin post.

So, a few months ago, I got new health coverage. So I did what every responsible person should do. I made appointments with doctors. The past two weeks have been absolute hell - three times over - because of that one rational and, frankly, grownup decision. Here's why...

Doctor one - the dermatologist. As a person with beauty marks/moles galore, I have always known to track my spots and make note if any change shape or size - I've read enough and been taught enough to know that. So, after starting the newfangled health coverage, I headed to Mt. Sinai to see an adorable curly haired little doctor man about a mole or two. Turns out - when they see a mole they don't like, they will just slice it off. No matter if it's in an inconvenient place - like say on the under side of your breast where your underwire of your bra rubs or the bottom of your foot - they just slice em off and send them to pathology to see if they have cancer in them. So, last week, I got the pleasure of having the two aforementioned areas of my body sliced and diced and it left me feeling incredibly vulnerable and, frankly, like a human version of swiss cheese. The doctor also insisted that I make another appointment - which I have, for November- in order to get a full body check as they didn't have time to check every spot during the first visit.

Doctor two - the gynecologist. As all women know, we need an annual checkup with our lady doctors every year. This year was no exception. Everything was going swimmingly at first. I got weighed and saw that I was down another three pounds - yay!- and the doctor had a new cool exam chair that took a lot of the awkward out of the visit. After the usual foot-in-stirrups situation, the doctor asks me if I'm planning on having children soon. I respond with a resounding YES, with a less loud - in a few years - tagged on the end, and she suggests a set of sonograms to establish a baseline of my uterus. So I tiptoe across the hall to another office and have the exams and then the bottom falls out. I have things in my uterus. Things that aren't supposed to be there. And there's a few of them. And they need to come out. IMMEDIATELY. Panic mode. Freak out time. Don't know how to handle this. This was late morning Wednesday. She wants me in surgery Monday (aka yesterday). There's a 75% chance these growths will turn into cancer if they don't come out. They will make pregnancy more difficult - if not impossible. I am dying inside. I immediately go into split-down-the-middle mode. The grownup part of me schedules the first possible opening for the surgery, calls my mom and my sister and my besties to let them know what's happening. The emotional and childlike part of me completely crumbles. I go to the darkest places. I'm going to die. I'm not going to be able to have children. I'm going to die. I write a will. I record videos of myself singing lullabies for the goddaughters. I crumble.

Then... then... then... I try to breathe. I put on my game face and I move forward.

I had surgery for the first (and probably not the last) time in my life yesterday. It was actually a lot less painful than I had expected. A LOT less scary - thanks in great part to some amazing nurses and a really hot anesthesiologist. But it was major surgery. Happily it was laproscopic so although I'm still hurting and sore and tired and wonky, I'm not dealing with stitches. And the best part is that my uterus is empty. And it's going to stay empty, until some lucky guy and I decide to put something in it! There's still a wait ahead, a wait for more pathology, but I'm much better already just knowing that I'm out of the surgery woods.

Doctor three - the dentist. Now, my dentist and I have a really great relationship. When you have a drug problem, a tongue ring, and terrible dental hygiene as an adolescent, you learn to love your dentist when you sober up and realize the damage that you've done. Over the past several years, I've had only positive visits, cavity free visits, quick visits. You'd think that this one would've been fine too - I'm lying in the chair only 26 hours after surgery (I know, crazy to go - but it's hard to get an appointment with him and I made the dentist appointment before I knew I was having yesterday's surgery) but NOPE. No easy here! I should've looked to the two previous doctor appointments and run out of there - run fast.

The long and the short of it is that a bridge that I've had in my mouth since 1994 was coming loose (unbeknown to me) and the two teeth it's attached to have been decaying for sometime in a weird limbo state of being neither attached to the bridge nor accessible to my brushing and flossing craziness (I've been a stickler for dental hygiene since the thousands of dollars of work in my early twenties). So, I have a useless bridge and two rotting teeth. I need the following work: a root canal on my 4 tooth followed by a post and a crown, a new fake 3 tooth to replace the bridge-probably another crown, and a third crown for the number 2 tooth. So, at roughly $2000 a crown, plus $1850 for the root canal, and then a cleaning (where he better not find another goddamn thing) and three or four appointments to take impressions and install the crowns, we're looking at nearly $10,000 and a shit ton of pain. Amazing. And here I thought my dental woes were years behind me. Not so fast, lady, not so damn fast.

So, in summary, that's three doctor visits for checkups leading to massive physical and monetary pain and suffering. Why did I do it? To take care of myself, right? What is it going to do? Well, it may actually set my life plans back by a few months because it appears I may be out of pocket over $10,000 between various bills - even WITH the health insurance. But there's good news... While formulating this blog , the dermatologist called to say IT'S NOT CANCEROUS! The Gyno follow up is in two weeks and hopefully that will be okay. The dentist, well, that's just not going to be fun.

But, I'm here. I'm relatively healthy. I'm alive. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

End post.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, a pre-surgery, pre-dentist, thinks-she-might-die-tomorrow-from-anesthesia Sarah singing her heart out to a song from her friend Lin-Manuel Miranda's show "In the Heights", which you should go see - and if you're not in NYC, go see it when it's in a town near you. How's that for a shameless end of depressing blog entry plug?

And as always, thanks for reading, and thanks especially to the few people I told about the surgery during those tumultuous four days between appointment and surgery - especially my beloved Mom and Suz, Dad, Josh n Kris, Jenny, Danny, Marion, SKR, Kath and Jamie. Y'all raised me up and kept me as calm as I could be. Thank you.

Stage Fright? What Stage Fright?

2009-10-11T21:33:00.003-04:00

So. After a vigorous Facebook afternoon, and some choice words between myself and one "Lin-Manuel Miranda" (did you get a google alert sucker?!??!), I decided to do something I've been thinking about for a REALLY long time, and today seemed like the perfect day to do it. I had dirty hair, a bathroom with some good acoustics and a well placed shelf to hold a FlipVideo camera, the inspiration of Matt M's recent blog video of him dancing some fierce Beyonce, and some situational nerves of steel. Put all of those factors together and you get this...

Me. Singing.

Singing from one of my favorite shows currently on the Broadway, Next to Normal. See, Lin? Now that I've done this it must mean I'm a REAL fan of Broadway, right? Also, it's about damn time I used the interwebs to cure one of my phobias - the fear of performing instilled in me by a certain British director at a certain summer to discover camp that has kept me offstage for the past 13 years and will probably to continue to keep me offstage for the rest of my LIFE!

So, here you have it. I'm posting it before I my nerves get the better of me...

600th Post

2009-10-11T08:15:00.004-04:00

Wow. So I logged on this morning to do a quick post and the good folks at Blogger let me know that today's post is the 600th of the blog. A blog that's not even 2 years old yet. How crazy is THAT!??!?! Unlike posts 200, 300, 400 (I missed 500 because I wasn't paying attention) this won't be a video post as I'm currently staying at a client's who doesn't have a webcam - can you believe THAT? But I promise that a video is forthcoming. I've actually been thinking of recording myself singing and posting it on the blog as a way to continue to get over my performance anxieties/stage fright so you never know, that could be posted up here in the future.

For now, I want to focus on what I'm thankful for 600 posts in - especially in light of tomorrow (which I'll explain in further detail some time later this week - not now - it's actually [gasp] something I'd rather not publicize to the entire blogosphere yet).

I am thankful for...

My family of birth
My family of creation (especially those two girls who share my names!)
My friends
My business
New York City
Music
Theatre
Dance

I am SO incredibly lucky to have the chance to love and BE loved, that I can't even really express it right now, I just want to make sure that YOU all know it.

So, thanks for reading, I hope there are 600 MORE posts down the road... LUCK & LOVE.

The Internet

2009-10-04T08:23:00.002-04:00

So, according to the character Trekkie Monster in "Avenue Q", the Internet is for porn. I firmly disagree. The internet is for dating. I think. Wait... do I?

I've been internet dating for a month now - the ridiculous date I posted about last week was a find from one dating site - and I've made several observations based on my experiences that I feel like I need to share.

To start, let me tell you that on all sites, (yes, that's sites - PLURAL) I'm on, I have a bunch of photos including close ups and full body shots, and carry my honesty through into my answers. I don't want to start out with lies or deceit so I am completely honest in my profile. I feel like at least one side should be honest... but more on that later.

Here are the sites I'm on, and why, and what I've learned about them...

1. Eharmony - a good friend met her husband on this site and I kind of liked all the questions they ask and how they do the initial leg work for you. What I don't like is that they only give you 5 or 6 "matches" a day and that it appears that most men don't pay for use of the site as they never fill out the entire questionnaire or respond to initial contact. What I've also noticed about this site - which has been entirely disconcerting - is that anyone who lists their religion as Jewish has closed my match immediately. Without fail. My profile is entirely unoffensive, my photo's adorable, and my answers are cute. So why do they close my match so quickly? I think I've figured it out... I list my religion as Jewish and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Jewish guys on Eharmony aren't looking for Jewish girls (which is fine with me, I'm not looking for any particular religion either so I can't go all hypocritical on them now, can I?). I've also noticed that Eharmony is really hung up on sex - and has an option to click if you want your matches to know that you're saving yourself for marriage. They're also famously anti-gay - not allowing men to search for men and women to search for women, which makes me uncomfortable as so many of my beloved friends are gay. Finally, it appears that either I attract a high percentage of Asian and Indian men - or that they are using Eharmony more than other dating sites. Again, not a problem - I am totally open to dating people regardless of ethnicity - but I wonder if there's an unwritten rule that Asian men should head to Eharmony over other sites and I wonder still if they're on there looking for Asian women too.

2. Chemistry.com - chemistry was the first site I tried internet dating on last year, thanks to Dan's endorsement. Unlike the aforementioned Eharmony, they are gay friendly and seem to be much more ethnically and culturally diverse. They offer up to 12 "matches" per day, and also let you know who's liked your profile which is a nice touch. So far, I'm most happy with Chemistry's format and process but I'm not particularly thrilled with the matches I've been receiving.

3. Jdate - that's right. After the Eharmony closures I thought to myself - and was reminded by Arthur - that the Jewish guys looking for Jewish girls are on Jdate (doh!). And so they are. Problem is, the site is a mother f-ing hot mess! There's no semblance of order, "matches" are difficult to find and there are like a million ways to communicate - you can "flirt", "click", "IM" or email with them and it's all just completely overwhelming. I feel like I need someone to navigate the site for me or at least give me some idea of how people use it most efficiently because I am at a loss and am not even visiting the site now due to feeling completely overwhelmed.

So those are the three sites I'm on. They're different in many ways and each have their pros and cons. They are also exactly the same and I feel like they only present me with four types of men.

1. The Ego: You're super hot. You like to write about how physically fit you are and how much your friends love you. You travel, you write, you work too hard. You're a great great GREAT guy. You just want someone to love - that's all that's missing in your life. Oh, and without fail, you somehow mention how modest you are in the midst of your flagrant rantings.

2. The Introvert/Nice Guy: You're shy. You want us to know how shy you are so you make sure to mention it at least twice. Or maybe you're not shy, you're just nice. A nice guy looking for a nice boy. You are - as my dear M.Murphy would say - NBB. Nice but BORING!

3. The Lazy: Why are you even bothering to do this? You don't fill out your profile, your syntax and spelling is atrocious. Your photo looks like a mug shot. You can't write a single coherent sentence. And yet you want someone to put energy into being with you? Ummmm... NO!

4. The Liars: You post a photo that is 20 years old or 75 pounds ago. You say you're in a certain industry but you're actually unemployed. You write "live with roommates" when you actually live with your parents. You say you're a cultural enthusiast but write that the last book you read was Sports Illustrated. Just be honest!!!

So those are the typical types. So, Sarah, you may be thinking, which types do you click on? The Ego and the Nice/Introvert. I'd rather be with someone who thinks too much or too little about themselves then be with someone who won't put out the effort or be honest. My worst nightmare is being in a relationship where I have to do all the work or where I'm being lied to. What I love to click on, however, are the exceptions to the rule - and they DO exist - they're just extremely hard to find and then you have to hope that they choose to respond to you...

So for now, I'm going to let Eharmony lapse once my paid segments are over and I'm going to find someone to tutor me on Jdate - anyone who's had success on that site, please email ASAP so I can start getting my money's worth! I'm going to keep plugging away and see what I find. There have to be some diamonds in this sea of deceit, right?!?!?! There MUST be...

Stay tuned...

Weird Date - But Date None The Less!

2009-09-27T07:55:00.002-04:00

I am back in the dating world. It's official. And it started off with one of the funniest/weirdest/worst dates EVER!

I met the guy at one of my favorite restaurants, I try and always have a good restaurant for a date figuring that at the very least I'll get to have a good meal!

Physically, he was nearer to his dating photos than some of the blind dates I've been on, but there was a definite difference. His teeth. All of his online photos had his mouth closed, because his teeth were utterly gnarly. But I powered on - I try not to be too superficial, who knows what they think of what I look like, right?

Conversationally, it was a total miss. His hobbies include sci-fi conventions and not much else. Rough. He didn't ask me anything. He just kept talking. About sci-fi conventions. And when he wasn't talking about sci-fi conventions he was making odd flirtatious statements. When I told him I'd walked 7 miles with friends that afternoon he offered me a foot massage. In the restaurant. When I offered to pay for my part of the meal - I didn't want to make the guy pay since there wasn't going to be a second part - he launched into a long diatribe about paying vs. not paying including details of previously failed dates. Awkward.

The date felt like an eternity, but in reality it was only 50 minutes. That's right, 50 minutes. No appetizers, no drinks, just 50 minutes of him talking. After the bill was paid, I went to the bathroom to call Dan and tell him about the epic failure and find out how to get out with grace. After hanging up, a girl in the bathroom with me - who was going to be salsa dancing at the restaurant and was putting on her fake eyelashes (can't make this shit up) said to me - in her best NY accent...

Honey, you want me to go take care of him? Get rid of you for him?

Priceless. I said that although the offer was fabulous but I should probably deal with it on my own, as grown ups do, and she wished me luck and told me to come back after I ditched him to enjoy the salsa dancing!

I was in the bathroom for a long time, and was secretly hoping he'd have left, but no such luck.

He asked me where I was going - and although I contemplated creating a client from midair who would need me in the theatre district (note to self, plan for that for next date) I just said I was getting on the subway to go back uptown. He asked if he could walk me and I said - if you want to - which he took as an invitation to put his arm around my shoulder which I gently shrugged off. Awkward. We walked the three blocks to the subway, all the while he was asking me about follow up dates and I was saying I'd "think about it".

When we got to the subway stairs, there were 4 of New York's Finest at the stairs and they watched as we awkwardly said goodbye. The guy tried to kiss me, despite all of the subtle - and not so subtle - signals I'd been giving all night - so I gave him my cheek as he tried for my lips - NOT SUBTLE, but necessary. After that he asked me to "text me when you get home so I know you got there safely" to which I replied "don't worry about me, I can take care of myself".

And thus ended the date part of the night, but not the hilarity. I walked halfway down the steps to the subway to call Marion and let her know what had happened, and as I called her, I started back up the steps, at which point, one of the cops held his hand up to me and shook his head to indicate that I shouldn't yet climb back up. I spoke with Marion briefly and headed back up the stairs when the cop gave me the indication that it was all clear back on 44th street.

I got to the top of the stairs and one of the cops said to me "So, what did HE do wrong"? The five of us had an amazing time together - talking about all sorts of dates gone wrong - going over the details of my date as a group and talking about how hard it is to date in NYC. I suggested a dating service for the NYPD to which they said that most NY girls want money, not cops, I strongly disaggreed. It was hilarious. One of the cops told me I should go find some other guys becuase it be a shame to miss out on a cool autumn night when I looked so cute - and then he threw in that he'd take me out if he wasn't married (very flattering!!!).

To top it all off, as I said goodnight to my adorable gaggle of cops to head uptown on foot initially in order to "walk it off"- one of them shouted "TEXT ME WHEN I GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU'RE SAFE"!

Amazing.

I walked up 8th, calling Arthur and then Marion again, and then landed on the same subway as Dan and his friends who are visiting and told the story in triplicate, every time realizing just how absurd and amazing a night it really was. And hey, at least I'm back out there and it WAS nice to feel wanted, just not by this particular guy. I'll keep you posted on future dating absurdity - of which I'm sure there will be plenty. And maybe I'll find those cops again soon!

Gotta love New York...

Quick Update...

2009-09-25T18:21:00.002-04:00

Here's what's happened this past week.

I weighed myself for the first time since initiating the new eating/fitness plan.

And...

Wait for it...

Wait for it....

I've lost 5 pounds! Yahooooooooooooo!

Also, I met with a web designer about the new business ideas/expansion and she's awesome.

Also also, I have a date tomorrow night - a result of my investing in online dating once more.

Lots has happened and there's lots more to come. I'll keep you posted!

Why I Love Broadway and Susan Blackwell...

2009-09-20T10:37:00.000-04:00

Changes Keep On Coming...

2009-09-16T08:20:00.002-04:00

I feel like it's December '08 again - but for all the GOOD reasons and FABULOUS parts of that period of time.

Here's what's happening... you know about the food/health new plan (and, by the way, it's going terrifically) but there's so much more...

First of all, the business. I am growing it. I am expanding. I am redesigning, retooling, rethinking and planning. I am going to be hiring - very exciting step! It's just in the seedling stages, the absolute beginnings, but it's exciting none the less (and just a bit terrifying too!).

Secondly, big news. I've been thinking about it for months but I didn't want to hurt any feelings by taking my thinking to the blog before discussing it with the people who it would effect. Now that they've been told, I can share it with you.

I am moving. Again. Back and then forward.

Let me explain. As you know, I only had about 10 nights that I didn't spend at clients' and/or traveling this past summer. Well, that reality continues this fall with weeks at a time away from the apartment and it gets even more intense the beginning of next year - weeks and weeks at clients' homes. I started thinking - what am I doing spending money on an apartment when I can basically live rent free by staying at clients'? I also started thinking about the need to hire people so I don't have to spend all this time away. The thing is, hiring clients will take time and money, and right now those aren't in great supply!

So here's what I'm doing... At the end of the year, I am going back to the upper west side. I will spend January-April at a combination of places: My clients' apartments, my mother's apartment, my father's home, and my friends' apartments. In April - I will be getting my own apartment back on the Upper West. A little slice of space for just me, myself and I.

BUT, if this coming summer starts to look like this past summer (which I'll know by April or so) I will postpone finding my own little slice of space until the end of summer 2010. By then, I'll have people working for me for sure and that would help the situation even more!

So, that's the long term plan. I'm thrilled and also saddened as I'm going to miss Jon and especially Dan and our snuggle times and the knowledge that I have him to come home to, but I'm read to go it alone...

Stay tuned.

One Week Later...

2009-09-12T10:31:00.002-04:00

I can't even begin to thank you all for your advice, your directions, your help, your support. I was a bit hesitant bringing so many people into my struggle but I am so incredibly glad I did.

Dozens of responses, emails, calls, hugs, pats on the back and hundreds of fantastic ideas.

I was going to post some of them, but they're so ridiculously lengthy and some are incredible personal on the advice giver's side so instead I thought I'd post the most frequent themes and give you an update on how week one has gone.

The hilarious part is that my village is so spot on! You guys could write a health and nutrition book if we brought all of your advice together! Also, you'll see that a lot of the advice is common sense - and I've been doing some of it during phase I, but getting it all thrown at me again has been unbelievably helpful. You're all amazing!

The Advice I Received
1. Eat less - smaller portions, stop eating three hours before bed
2. Eat more often - Never go more than 3 waking hours without eating, three meals, two snacks, breakfast is the most important.
3. Track Food - Food diary, calorie counting, become aware of what I'm eating and what foods have the least calories
4. Cook More - Many of you provided recipe ideas or promises to teach me to cook and I intend to take you all up on that!
5. Pre-plan - schedule what I'm eating, when and with whom
6. Switch it up at the gym - take new classes, try new exercises, have my trainers challenge me
7. Remember the balance - More than one of you told me that it's 80% (some said %85) food and the rest is exercise and sleep.
8. Be Proud - proud of where I've come and proud that I'm going to take this next step towards health.
9. Take Help When Offered (and I have!)
10. Keep it UP! Don't get discouraged! Stay happy!

What I've Done This Week
1. Tracked my food - I installed an Ap in my iPhone called "Lose It". I can track every morsel of food that goes into my mouth and I have been. I've learned many things including the fact that cashews are insanely caloric and greenbeans barely register.
2. Pre-planned meals/snacks - I have woken up each morning and had oatmeal. Yes, me, the girl who's always freaking out about the texture of her food has been eating oatmeal. And I have to say, it's not that bad. While eating my oatmeal I look at the calendar for the day and plan out what I am going to eat during the day. It's usually looked like this...
7:30 Oatmeal
10 (post-workout) Fruit or Egg wrap
1 Big salad with protein and veggies
3:30 Cottage cheese/yogurt/Fiber One bar
6:30 Dinner (varies, but smaller portion and always a protein and veg)
7:30 or 8 if feeling still hungry/sweet craving - one or two mini york peppermint patty from the freezer. Delicious, fill that need and only 50 calories and no fat. Amazing!
3. Gym - I've talked to both of my trainers and have started to think outside the box about cardio. I swam for the first time in months - extremely tiring but totally worth it! I'm elated that dance classes have started back up again and I worked my butt off in yesterday's class because I had to lead warm up! I'm also reminding myself that an hour of extreme cardio per day is plenty and three times per week with interval training is perfect. With fewer calories coming in, I don't want to throw myself into calorie deficit by working out seven hours a day - and who has that time anyway? I'm trying to run a business and live a life over here!!!
4. Liquid - No more wine. No more sprite zero. No more Jamba Juice. ONLY H2O and lots of it!
5. Communicate - I've made a point to be open and honest with people and to accept help when I need it/want it. I am blessed to have so many people pulling for me and I'm lucky to have a venue such as this blog to share my struggle and my accomplishments with everyone who's being so generous with me.

And that's the week one update... So far, so AMAZING! Let's see what week 2 will hold!

My Village

2009-09-07T16:55:00.001-04:00

My village is amazing. You have been so supremely helpful.
The comments, the emails, the calls, the conversations.
I can't even believe it.
I am processing all of the information and have made some good steps already and will update you guys today or tomorrow with it all.

I thank you so much for your support, your ideas, and your willingness to be a part of this next exciting step.

I am humbled and appreciative.

Jump Start

2009-09-05T16:45:00.002-04:00

I relaxed today. I'm proud to announce.

I went to the gym. Did an hour of cardio.

I went to the spa. Had a massage and a mani/pedi and a facial. YUM!

While lying still for two hours at the aforementioned spa, I got to thinking...

What's the block? Why can't I beat the weight thing once and for all? I haven't really lost any large amount of weight this year - and this year is 8 months gone. I know I have the ability to lose weight - I lost how much in 2008? Exactly. But as soon as my life got busy, the dramatic weight loss slowed to a crawl and I have been obsessing lately over WHY. Why has the weight loss slowed down?

Today, I think I came up with some of the answers.

First, with the business doing so well, I have food in many places, at random times, without regulating it as much as I did when I was "retired" or temping. It's easier to keep track of your food when you've got a steady schedule and I simply don't have one.

Second, with increased socializing, there's more food/drink sharing with the ones I love then there was before. It's all about hanging out over a plate full of crap or a bottle of empty calories which themselves lead to further calories (truly, nothing makes me more inclined to eat poorly then being somewhat intoxicated).

Third, with the most dangerous super-fat weight gone, it doesn't feel as dangerous. When I was nearly 300 pounds, it was scary. Where I am now is substantially less scary. I'm shopping at regular stores and have left the realm of "plus size" behind. My clothes all fit and I feel attractive far more than unattractive on any given day. But without that "gotta-lose-it-or-die" feeling, there's less push.

Fourth, without a stable place to live this summer it's been HELL to keep a steady diet. Apartment sitting in places FULL of candy. Kosher apartments. Kitchen-less apartments. Vacation food. Wedding food. Birthday food. Once you step off the wagon, especially in the summer, it's hard to get back on.

Fifth, with so much gym time it's hard to accept that I need to do even more if I want to kick the next batch of weight. How can I accommodate 2 hours of cardio in a day that's already full of clients and friends and business?

SO. Those are the five excuses/justifications/hyper rationalizations for why I've leveled off and hit this major plateau. Now I need to look into the solutions.

NOW. IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND, MY FAMILY. A SARAH SUPPORTER, AND YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY CHARGED WITH BEING HELPFUL. THERE ARE AT LEAST A MILLION WAYS THAT YOU CAN HELP. I AM ASKING FOR THAT HELP NOW. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME. HERE'S HOW...

First, I need a menu plan for each day. Pre-plan what I'm going to eat and where and not deviate from it at all. Perhaps put my meals into my calendar with notes on exactly what to eat and where. That way I can increase my chances of saying NO when someone offers something for me to eat that I don't want/need or shouldn't have.

Second, I need to socialize more creatively and drink less. More walks with friends and dinners of salads and water and NO dessert. Do you hear me, self? NO DESSERTS!

Third, I need to realize that I am still too heavy. I am still sick. I will still die sooner. I will have a harder time carrying a child (when that happy day occurs!) with this extra weight on my body. My heart will give out. I will see less of my life.

Fourth, I will stabilize my food. When I am at a client's I will be firm with them about leaving food around/behind.

Fifth, I will find cardio buddies. I will make friends at the gym. I will talk to my trainers and figure out ways to be responsible to people other than myself, have people to check in with. I will make sure that I run/jump/dance/climb/bike my ass off for the next few months and show this body fat who's boss. FOR REAL!

Suddenly September

2009-09-02T08:10:00.002-04:00

I don't know how it happens so quickly.
Faster and faster every single year.
Blink and you'll miss it.
The air is crisp again.
The sun is setting earlier.

I am on the precipice of whatever will come next.

Growing the business.
Getting even healthier.
Meeting someone.

Perhaps a change of scenery altogether...

September feels fresh and new.
I need to keep that in mind.
Let it all happen.

Progress.

2009-08-26T20:37:00.002-04:00

I had an amazing conversation with my mother last night.
She listened. She didn't judge. She made helpful suggestions.
It was like a scene from some cheesy Romantic Comedy where the mom gives good life advice and the daughter eats it up with a spoon.
I was definitely eating it up.
I needed it.

We talked about my three pronged approach to this fall.
1. Work - growing the business
2. Health - keep losing weight, increase the cardio, finish the food issues once and for all
3. Dating - meet new people. male people. male people who I find attractive and find me attractive.

Most of all, we talked through some of my biggest fears. Truly.
The fear of having to be a single parent by choice. About having to lean on her if I don't find a man who I want to have children with. That's the biggest fear I have, by far, and will probably ever have.

My mother made the connection for me that I needed to hear.

"Don't think about 4 years from now, Sarah. Could you ever have imagined four years ago where you would be now in life?".

No. I can't. 4 years ago, I was still enamored with the job. I had just broken my arm and ended the love of my early twenties. I was about to start smoking and overeating again. I was on the road to major depression. I got through it. With all the work and all the support you know so much about over the past year and a half. I NEVER would have thought that I'd be here, no matter how natural HERE feels for me now.

So I am going to try to stop being filled with fear. Focus on my three pronged attack for the fall. Breathe in the goodness and avoid the stressing. I am going to remind myself every day how lucky I am to have my health, my happiness, my friends and my family. I am going to progress.

Who? Where? What? Why? How?

2009-08-23T13:40:00.004-04:00

Who am I....

I'm still me. Still Sarah. Still trying to be the best Sarah I can be - personally, professionally, for myself and for others.

Where have I been...

Well, I've been in NYC - in five different apartments. I've been in Los Angeles. I've been in England. I've been in California. I've been on boats, in lakes, on beaches, in rivers and on mountains. I've been happy, sad, stressed, relaxed, confused and clear. I've been alone, I've been surrounded by people. I've been tough, weak, hot and cold.

What am I doing now...

I'm refocusing. I'm centering. I am making lists. Making plans. Making moves. Making tough calls. Making important decisions. Making friends. Making connections. Making sense???

Why am I doing it...

Because I've been a bit off balance. Living out of suitcases. Not knowing where I am. But wanting desperately to know where I'm headed. Because I want this 30th year of my life to be the healthiest and happiest yet. Because I need love. Because I want to love others. Because I am ready to see what happens next. Because I know things can be bigger and better if I work hard enough.

How?

That's the tough part. I've started by writing it all down. By making lists. By taking the time to think about it all. The getting the ball rolling part is always the hardest, and I may need your help. I'll do a better job of letting you know what's happening over the next few months than I have this schizophrenic summer. Promise.

Love is in the air...

2009-08-13T12:34:00.001-04:00

Landed last night in Los Angeles to celebrate Malka and Alex's wedding. It's crazy to think I've known Malka for 16 years, and Alex for almost as long. It's crazier still to realize that they're a marriage born from Buck's Rock Camp - one of my most favorite places on the face of the earth. I can't wait for the wedding, to see it all really happen, and in the meantime I get to spend blissful times with my dear friend Sarah who is joined me in the 30's club this morning. Very exciting weekend ahead of us! Let's hope we get through it all!

Revisiting

2009-08-09T10:53:00.002-04:00

This past Friday, I sat on the roof of a building with some old friends and some new friends.

The topic of conversation landed on me. On my childhood. My adolescence.

So I told the whole tale. The drugs. The precociousness. The fast and furious. The ugly. The amazing. The changing. The sinking. The changing again.

Exhausting. Exhilarating. Depressing. Inspiring. Saddening. Maddening.

I forget what has happened a lot of the time. Remembering it made me think of where I've come from and where I'm going. Telling it made me shake, made me want to cry, made me energized. It also made me a little mad at myself for not making big enough steps towards the ultimate goal of health and happiness this summer. Yes, I know, I've done a lot. But I feel like I haven't really lived up to my own goals this summer as well as I could because I've been running around trying to make the money... I am looking forward to CT and LA this week. To putting my feet back on the ground and remembering I can't make it all happen at the same time and I have to cut myself some slack. I just wish I could have done it all already.

Haunted

2009-08-08T16:59:00.001-04:00

I'm being haunted by pregnant women.

Seriously. They're everywhere.

Is this a post-turning-30 thing? Or is it just about skimpier clothes in the summer time?

For whatever reason, they're popping up everywhere I look and, I readily admit it, I am jealous of them.

I know I'm not ready. And I certainly don't have the man or the money, but it's such an attractive concept...

Back and Forward

2009-08-02T11:26:00.002-04:00

Home. After a week and a half of seeing the kids in England. Amazing.

The only problem is, I don't feel settled yet. I don't think I'll feel settled til I get back uptown at the end of the summer. The unsettled feeling is contributing to some serious self motivating and grounding. And with that grounding comes thoughts of what's to come.

Here's what I see happening in the next six months... should be interesting to see what comes true.

1. Business. I am thinking of expanding. Beyond myself. Beyond NYC? Taking what I do and making it available to other people by hiring employees and creating a global brand. Crazy. But I think it can happen.

2. Health. I've got the training part there. The food part is 85%. The cardio is 55%. My goal is to kick food and cardio up to 90% at least and finally ditch those last pounds and get it done and get to a point of maintenance. I have to adjust my schedule and seek a bit of nutritional health to get it done, and I intend to do it.

3. Friends and Family. I want to spend more time with the people that I love. I will.

4. Travel. I need to get somewhere new. Somewhere inspirational.

5. Dating. It's time. I'm ready. I just need a starting point, and I think I have one.

That's the plan. For August onwards. For my thirtieth year.

Wanderer

2009-07-21T17:58:00.003-04:00

And... the wanderer strikes again. Another week, another suitcase full of clothes.

I'm off to England tomorrow. And it can't come too soon!!!

The birthday weekend was a smashing success. Many people. Much love. Much happiness.

I followed it up with a trip on my Dad's boat. Pure bliss.

Now - I get to head off to England and see my beloved Runacres.

I can't even begin to express how happy I am. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I only wish I had more free time to let you all know the exact details and specifics, but I think a big part of what makes me so happy are the exact things that keep me so busy. Friends, family, the business, working out, going to the theatre and traveling to see all of the people that I love.

What a life!

30

2009-07-17T17:10:00.002-04:00

If the thirties are anything like the end of the twenties, I say... BRING IT ON!

In the next decade of my life, I hope for new experiences and continued growth.
For strengthening friendships.
For more and more love.
I look forward to more of all of the good that life has to offer.

I welcome the thirties with arms wide open!

Cobble Mountain

2009-07-14T15:41:00.001-04:00

I climbed a mountain today. A mountain I could barely get a quarter of
the way up two summers ago. It felt AMAZING. What a difference two
years make. To think of how miserable I was and how happy I am now.
Incredible. I had the support of so many in my head but I also had the
support of three amazing ladies as we climbed up the mountain and back
down again. K S and E were the best cheering section a girl could ask
for! Amazing!!!

Random Musings - Last Week of My 20s Edition

2009-07-12T19:23:00.003-04:00

And again, I've been away from the blog for too long. And again, I've thought about blogging and started blogs in my mind about a million times in the period between the last blog entry, but it never comes to me at a convenient or helpful time so here I am, Randomly Musing again...

First up - a health and fitness update... The training every weekday plus dance class regime has made a huge impact in its first two weeks. I am feeling stronger. Healthier. Happier. It's fantastic! I am more motivated than I have been since the entire "new Sarah" time period began in early 2008. I'm looking now towards expanding my cardio - and taking on more challenging dance classes. Let's see where this goes...

My birthday is in 6 days. I will be 30. Have I mentioned that?!?!? Seriously though, I am incredibly excited to see what the next decade has in store...

I've been watching a hell of a lot of premium cable shows since staying at a client's home the past two weeks. Weeds, Nurse Jackie, True Blood to name a few, and really enjoying them!

I'm looking extremely forward to the next two weeks. Here's what they look like:

Tomorrow - off to CT to go to my former summer camp and then to see the goddaughters!!!
Tues - Thursday it's all about the goddaughters and KW!
Friday - Gym, client, haircut (the locks need a trim) and dinner
Saturday - I TURN 30!! Client, show, client, dinner with family
Sunday - Harry Potter (nothing says first day of your thirties more than HP) and then Fiesta time!

After that it's time for me to head to England - and I can't wait!

I have recently become a renewed fan of York Peppermint Patties. They're lower in calories and fat than most candies and if you get the little ones and freeze them they are absolutely delectable.

I've also been eating copious amounts of cherries. They're so good this season and not expensive (well, not AS expensive). Go get some. You'll thank me.

I am through with four books on the summer reading pile but two more books were added onto the pile this week and I'm not as optimistic as I have been about getting through them all. We shall see.

I feel blessed to live in NY especially on weekends like this one where I spent a great deal of time in Central Park. Love it.

I tend to obsess about weird things when I travel and for the past few days I've been obsessing about packing for England. The thing is, I'll be on the ground for eight days and I only want to take a carry-on size suitcase. Challenging, eh? I think I've resigned myself to the knowledge that I'll bring whatever fits and if I have to wash some things, so be it. I just can't stomach the idea of taking a massive suitcase on the underground and the two hour train ride that I have to take once I arrive.

The sky was an amazing color of purple last night. We watched the storms come and go as we watched Shakespeare. A brilliant night.

I can't wait to go fishing with my Dad this summer. We have a tentative plan for the 20th but it's all about the weather... we shall see...

I have to go finish folding laundry and packing for CT. Until later people...

Balance

2009-07-06T20:29:00.002-04:00

Every now and again, something throws me off balance.

Right now, it's one of my biggest phobias - open heights - that's making me wobbly and throwing me into confusion and distress.

I wish I wasn't so afraid of being up high and out in the open, but I am. My body reacts physically in such an intense manner, that I begin to be unable to cope. Even the anticipation of being up high and out in the open throws me into a tail spin. Makes me needy. Scared. High maintenance. Unhinged.

I gotta work on this.

Summer of Size 12

2009-07-03T13:38:00.001-04:00

So it's been a while since I blogged about my health/weight loss, and I attribute that to the fact that I had hit a definitive plateau. Without wanting to become a twig eater or a slim fast drinker, I had gotten my food down to the best it's ever been but the weight was coming off unbelievably slowly. I know, I know, I lost so much last year it's ridiculous to expect fast weight loss, but I did and it was incredibly frustrating.

That frustration begat motivation and this week I began an intense new fitness plan that includes several dance classes, four training sessions and multiple cardio bursts per week. So far, I am incredibly sore, but increasingly optimistic and inspired. The pain seems to be worth it and I really feel like this summer will be the summer that I make it out of the teen sizes. To think, that only 18 months ago, I was a size 26 and now I'm a solid 16. That alone makes me believe that I can turn it up and get down to a 12.

The only thing that I think could make it better is to have friends and family contribute to my cardio endeavors... SOOOOOO... if you're reading this and you want to take a walk, a bike ride, a swim, an ANYTHING physical, call me. Email me. Blog comment. Whatever. I would LOVE the company!

Here's hoping the dramatic increase in physical activity can jump start those last however many pounds...

Random Musings - End of June Edition

2009-06-30T17:59:00.003-04:00

WHEW! What a MONTH!

I have just settled in to my fourth home in as many days (or so). I've returned to the Upper West to work for several clients and afford a friend a place to stay uptown. The nomadic life will continue through the end of August and I will be making twelve (yes, TWELVE!) moves between now and then. Crazy (but hopefully thoroughly rewarding professionally and financially).

Throughout the past week, I've been struck with the "wow, I should blog this" feeling, but it's always been at a crazy inconvenient moment so I'm settling for a "Random Musings" post instead... Enjoy!

I've become obsessed with the idea of summer reading. I don't know if it's because I've seen those tables at B & N loaded with copies of "Catcher in the Rye" and "Sense & Sensibility" or if it's the back-in-the-dog-run or back-in-the-sun reality. Maybe it's the fact that there's very little on TV. Whatever it is, I'm feeling incredibly driven towards reading. In the past two days, I've finished two books and started a third. Yay!

I'm counting the days until I get to spend my two (separate but equal) weeks with the goddaughters AND the UK godkids. I crave seeing them over the summer, in their summertime homes, and this summer is no different. I can't wait to hike and kayak and snuggle in CT. I can't wait for tickles and fish n chips on the Eastern shore of England. Counting the days!

Speaking of day counting, there are 19 days until I turn 30. I am finally settled with a semi-intimate birthday plan and now that the decision has been made about that whole mishagash, I'm just extremely excited for the actual day to come.

Tomorrow morning, I begin a crazy new workout routine. I will be training four days a week, dancing three days a week (or more) and doing cardio every day. I've decided that this is the summer of going from a size 16 to a size 12. It'll take a loss of around 30 pounds or so and a tremendous amount of muscle replacing fat, but I know I can do it. I KNOW I can do it. It's going to hurt though, that's for sure!

On the physical accomplishment side of things, I am also looking forward to hiking with KW when I get to CT. Two summers ago, the girls, AW/KW and I all went to a hike. I couldn't get up to the top. I was fat. Out of shape. Smoking. Wearing the wrong shoes. I cried as I waited at the bottom of the mountain for them to return. Humiliating. This summer (in two weeks, in fact) KW and I are going back to that mountain and we are going to CONQUER it! I can't wait!

I'm watching a lot of premium cable this summer thanks to my clients' inclinations to have all of those channels and I'm really liking "True Blood" and "Nurse Jackie". I also really liked the first episode of "Hung" but I'm not sure I'll stick with it.

Tomorrow, I get to go see my sister's new apartment. I can't WAIT to see her place and what she's done to it. My mom is slowly adjusting to being by herself but I've been doing a lot of hand holding and hovering because I am worried about her. I need to remember that she's an adult and she can handle herself.

My nails have become extremely long and they're making it hard to type this blog entry. Must. Cut. Nails.

Jenny has a week off from work next week and we're going to "Staycation" together in NYC. Dim sum, boating in CP, and more are in the plans... should be AMAZING!

I found myself shouting at a delivery guy yesterday for not being able to produce the right amount of change. I realized too late that it was because he didn't speak a word of English. I felt guilty initially and then conflicted about my reaction. It was weird.

Why are there dolphins off the coast of Long Island and how can I see them?

I'm just as sick of the rain as you are. Truly. There's nothing better than the sun in the summer and it's miserable how freaking wet it's been. The good news? No drought.

When Susie and I were in Maine celebrating the best wedding ever (yay Nick and Kerry!) we bought these awesome sand dollar necklaces. I need to wear mine more often. It's beautiful.

I miss Dan. I miss seeing him at night. He's amazing. He doesn't read the blog anymore though so tell him I love him and miss him, would ya?

I am on track to make enough money with the business this year to actually have not had to touch my emergency savings account. Pretty amazing!

When NYCB is on hiatus, as it is now, I get a bit sad about not being able to see my dancers on the stage of the theatre. Oh well, at least it provides me with a little bit of free time. On that NYCB note, I realize I stopped writing reviews this year. I chalk it up to the fact that I had no time AND that I became friendly with many more members of the company this year and no longer wanted to be a "critic" (no matter how informal a critic) of the people that I'm friends with!

I really want to exchange my iPhone for a new one. August. I have to wait til August and then I'll be up for a new one... I want to be able to take videos with my phone!!!!

I love Shakespeare in the Park. IF you haven't gone. GO. "Twelfth Night" is brilliant.

I love eating duck. I don't know why. But I love it. It's my favorite protein.

I missed blogging!

Summer Reading

2009-06-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

Went book shopping this weekend and have officially created my summer
reading stack for this summer. It's ambitious for one season but I
hope I get through them all. I love alternating between luterature
and chick lit fluff and I think I have a good blend. Have I missed any
other important new paperbacks?

2009-06-22T18:22:00.001-04:00

June is...

2009-06-20T20:42:00.002-04:00

...adultery month?

Weird statement. I know.

June
Is
Adultery
Month

There's something going on. There are people in my life cheating on spouses and getting cheated on. People breaking up. People who shouldn't be flirting doing just that. People who shouldn't be stepping out getting themselves into trouble. Famous people are doing it. Jon and Kate are doing it - which, as you can imagine, is making me feel mostly awful for their already exploited children. Friends of friends are doing it.

Every time I mention this idea to someone, they chime in with a story of their own of someone who's cheating on someone or has just been cheated on.

I know it's not everyone. There are plenty of people remaining faithful to their loved ones, but it feels like it's on the rise. Is it because I'm getting older? Because I know more people? Because it's spring? Whatever the reasons, it's disconcerting and disheartening. Especially for someone like myself. Someone back on the precipice of dating. Thinking about throwing themselves out there. It's a real reason to give pause to that idea - or maybe it's just an excuse.

Whatever it is, I don't understand why people make a promise of fidelity and break that promise to someone they love. If you don't think you can remain faithful (and, side note, I don't think the majority of people can) why would you make such a huge promise?

Interesting.

Volunteering at NYCB

2009-06-19T18:43:00.000-04:00

My life as an NYCB Volunteer. This past April, I began my stint as a docent/tour leader/rehearsal staffer for NYCB. At the first general meeting, all the details of volunteering were covered and I met the rest of the volunteers who are all lovely. One look around the room, however, and I quickly realized that I brought the median age of the volunteers down by 35 years. That made me incredibly sad as it reflected the reality of the aging audience for dance (and all performing arts for that matter) and the unsure future of all dance companies, even NYCB.

At first, I was incredibly nervous. I wanted to impress the staff and the other volunteers with my knowledge of the company (accumulated through 26 years of attendance with a dedicated balletomane - my mother). I knew the dancers (from afar and some personally). I knew the rep. I new the pronunciation. I knew the steps. I knocked the other volunteers' socks off and quicky found my footing.

Over the past several weeks, I have had the pleasuer of giving talks about Allegro Brilliante, Romeo and Juliet, Hallelujah Junction, Midsummer Night's Dream (to name a few), and have led a few backstage tours. It has been a wonderful new way to contribute to the company that I love so much.

The only sticky part has been when I run into company members who I am friendly with. Decorum, and the strict rules set down from the volunteer office, states that there is to be no speaking to, or interacting with, the dancers which is incredibly hard to do when you've just spent a night at a party with them and want the juicy gossip! Needless to say, I've retained my composure - for the most part - and have even found the twisted humor of some of my friends in the company, especially the one who put his hand over his face as he walked past me and said (loudly) "If I can't see YOU, YOU can't see ME". Ridiculous.

I look forward to next year and to increasing responsibility spreading my love for, and knowledge of, NYCB as far as I can.

30 to 30

2009-06-18T10:58:00.003-04:00

That's right, folks!

Today is the day where I am officially 30 days away from being 30 and I can't wait!

I want to be a grown up!

30 is going to be a fun milestone to hit, mostly because I am going to hit it at the happiest and healthiest point in my life. Take the last 24 hours as an example. In that time frame, I have worked for two clients, volunteered at NYCB, tried rock climbing for the first time (more on that exciting development to come), spent a brief evening with my darling Dan before decamping to the Upper West for the summer, and woke up and had a training session.

I have found a good place in life and I think turning 30 is only going to make it better... Stay tuned!

Oh - and I also FINALLY figured out my birthday plans. Smaller than I thought I'd do, but more of a quality over quantity pursuit. Thanks to Suz, Jen and Dan for helping talk me off the birthday ledge that final time.

Topics

2009-06-17T15:52:00.000-04:00

I realized as I blogged yesterday, that it had been an entire week since my previous entry - my longest absence for them blog since it's beginnings. Crazy! Since I had some downtime (read - time at a client's waiting for a repairman) I thought I'd pre-blog on some of the topics I promised a little while ago and set them to publish daily to keep you amazing few who still check this blog interested and (hopefully) intrigued. Enjoy!

New Friends and Old Friends

I realized this past week that I have made a few incredible new friends during the "New Sarah" era of my life. Ryan, Marion, Matt, Owen, Arthur, Vanessa - to name a few and the rest of you know who you are... People who share some of my interests, tollerate my neuroses and are just a hell of a lot of fun to be around. People who have contributed greatly to my mental and physical well being over the past months and years. Before them, there were very few new good friends to add to the list so I am especially glad to have found them.

At the same time, I've been reflecting on my relationships with some of my older friends. People who have been around since the beginning. I've been able to see which of those people I still feel a closeness with and, conversely, which of them I feel very little in common with. The sad part of that is that it's just a fact of life. We grow differently then some of our friends, and I try to look at my relationships with those people through that lens. It helps me feel better about growing apart.

Nomadic

2009-06-16T15:36:00.002-04:00

As with last summer, this summer will be exceedingly nomadic. There will be no stretch of time longer than 11 nights where I will be in the same place - and most of the longer stretches are for work.

This morning, I started to packup my bedroom and shift stuff back downtown in preparation for an Upper West-centric summer and the possibility of a sub-sub-letter of my uptown bedroom.

I find this all pretty interesting because I used to be the girl who wouldn't stay at other people's homes for sleepovers. The girl who rarely traveled below 72nd street. The girl who was afraid to fly.

Now, I live out of suitcases. My toiletries are all travel size. I do my laundry in different places. I scatter shoes and gym outfits throughout NYC.

And yet, despite the physical unsettled nature of it all, I feel more emotionally grounded than I ever have before. I guess this goes to show that home is where you make it, not where you pay rent (or don't pay rent for that matter!).

The only thing I would change would be the opportunity to take Dan with me wherever I go. I hate leaving him behind uptown, but I know he understands that it's for work and that it has to be that way. Still, I'll miss seeing him so often...